Diver: William Edward Verhelst III featuring Andrew Fraquelli High
Interesting facts: Bill once wrestled an invisible bear, and Andy enjoys doing jumping jacks in the nude.

Dear Diver,
I have heard there is now a dog bakery in town. Frankly, I am shocked and thought serving dog meat would be illegal. What can we do to stop this?
– Animal Lover (in the most platonic of senses)

Dear Zoophiliac,
We will have you know that many people upon this fine Earth love dining on doggies. Just because your parents thought themselves too fancy to eat puppies, they are actually quite delectable! Personally, we are excited that such a worldly cuisine is finally available so close to home! We no longer have to suffer through 13-hour flights just to partake in cheap mutt-filled meals. On the other hand, if we are all mistaken and this new place is actually cooking up treats for dogs, maybe we will give those a try too ... If it tastes good to a dog, we are guessing it will taste good to us as well.
– Carnivorous Cur Consumers

Dear Diver,
Lately, I feel like wherever I go in town, I detect a faint whiff of pot. It’s almost like the whole town is getting high. Am I missing out? Or is the contact high just making me paranoid?
– Waiting to inhale

To the stoner this may concern,
Trust us, there is nothing to be paranoid about, us Divers are frankly surprised that all you stoners actually came out of your weed-dens and dazes to unite at the ballot booth. The only reason to be paranoid is because you obviously are the only stoner/stone-ette in town who still can’t find a bag! Now that amendment 64 has passed, that smell of weed that you notice while walking around is likely from behind the nearest fence; obviously, pretty much everyone in town is growing their own plants even though it is still technically illegal. We know that stoners don’t tend to read the fine print but a lot of stuff still needs to go down before everyone can start their own household dispensaries. Jerry is dead, pot is legal, get a job.
– Bong Toking Alcoholics

Dear Diver,
My husband thinks it’s a good “family bonding” experience to get a permit from the Forest Service and go out and cut down a live Christmas tree. I can’t help but feel a little sad about hacking down a happy little tree in the prime of its life. I’m also concerned about the message it sends my children - that nature is there at our short-term disposal. Who is right?
– Tree Hugger

 

Dear Dendrophiliac,
Listen here, ya selfish bastard, you should be happy that you even have the means to obtain a tree! The majority of Earthlings have never even seen a pine tree! The real question is which of the two messages are you willing to send to your child. Would you prefer your child thinks every problem can be solved with a weird trip to Shart-Mart or that chopping down trees for a dumb cause is OK? If it’s really that big of a deal, teach your child some legitimate morals for a change and take the kid or kids out to plant some trees on Arbor Day. If you are really lazy, you can send your kids to church. We’ve heard they teach good morals there but we don’t really buy it. If all else fails, have your children watch “Fern Gully” and let them make the call.
– Lumberjack Society of America aka Master Jackers est. 1983