Diver: David Halterman
Interesting facts: Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

Dear Diver,
The other day I was stuck behind a sheriff going 45 mph in a 65 mph zone. I decided not to pass him cause I felt like I was being set up. But it was frustrating going so slow. If I did pass him legally and went the speed limit, I should have nothing to worry about, right? I mean, I’m not breaking the law and, besides, entrapment is illegal, isn’t it.
– Trapped, Ignacio

A wise old woman once explained to me her philosophy concerning automobile transport and its relation to our need to rush about like little monkeys on wheels. Her rationale was that when you’re in a car, you’re already going extremely fast in comparison to walking, biking or horseback, so why succumb to the desire to go as fast as you can? You’ll get there no matter what. Although, she was really old, and she probably wasn’t a good driver to begin with. I’m not sure why I should take her advice, so take mine with a very small grain of Celtic sea salt.
Here’s what I did once in your same situation. I passed the sheriff, but I didn’t pass the deputy.
– Hey-o!
Dear Diver,
Recently, I’ve noticed I’m only funny when I’m drunk. Does this mean I’m an alcoholic? Or am I just boring?
– Double-fisted Deb

Try this one on a friend after a few drinks, “What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid.” If they don’t laugh, you may be an alchoholic. But chances are, you’re just boring.
– Diver
Dear Diver,
I am thinking of living out of my truck to save some money for a big ski trip this winter. What sort of advice/tips does the diver have for “rent-free” vehicle living. Also, most importantly, do you think it’ll be a turn off for the chicks?
– Backseat Bill

It just so happens that I’ve been living out of my truck with my “chick” for the last three months, so here is our advice to you. Sell everything you own, stay busy and remember, gym showers are your friend. Other than that, get used to having a lot more money, waking up in new and interesting places, and feeling sorry for your friends who are locked in a mortgage or lease. This has worked for us all summer, and by the time you put this advice to use we’ll be jade hunting off the coast of Big Sur, living “rent-free” among the eucalyptus and sea fog. And we won’t even need to look for jobs with all of the savings we’ve accumulated. Was it worth not having a porcelain pot to pee in? Absolutely. And you’re worried what the ladies will think? I think you underestimate the adventurous spirit of our superior sex. Your time here is not infinite, so you’ve got to live it.
– Adios Durango! David

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com



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January 26, 2024
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