Diver: Joey from Velorution Cycles
Interesting facts: The pros’ bikes don’t make them faster.  Training does – and for a few, drugs.  The rest is just marketing ... so go ride!

Dear Diver,
I notice a lot of guys wearing Dickies or similar workwear while mountain biking. I like the look but when I tried it, I chafed like you read about. In fact, several weeks later, I am still experiencing tenderness in my “nether regions.” What’s the secret to looking cool and being comfortable while riding (the tight skin suit is not an option, I like to keep it modest.)
–Softside Steve

Dear Softy,
As someone who never wears the stretchy pants, I’ll let you in on a little secret – most guys riding in canvas shorts have the padded kind underneath. Turns out most fellows aren’t keen on highlighting certain parts of their anatomy, so they’ll wear a “function layer” topped by a “fashion layer,” which quite reminds me of women from Ye Olden Tymes wearing girdles topped by fancy dresses. Of course you can always take my route and just toughen the hell up, Stevie – after more than two decades of only riding in Dickies and such, my “nether regions” have broken in like a good Brooks saddle, and I’ve saved a lot of cash, too. It may be painful at first, but just remember: canvas shorts, $20; chamois shorts, $200; not having to wear a diaper to ride: priceless.
-Good things take time, Diver

 

Dear Dr. Jekyll & Mr. A-hole,
That’s a great question. To find an answer, I donned my old National Team duds for this edition’s photo, and as you can see, I immediately got angry. From what I can tell, anyone sausaged into Lycra for more than 30 seconds has good reason to be a jerk. After all, if you’re riding on the road in America, you may as well have a target on your back. When you add skintight neon clothing that gives 90 percent of riders a beer gut and multiple muffin tops, you’re looking at the perfect persecution complex storm. The only mystery is why riders continue to subject themselves to this misery. At least most mountain bikers seem to have figured this out – maybe roadies should add a “fashion layer.”
– Stay cool-headed, the Diver

 

 

Dear Now I Know Why Intelligent Debate No Longer Exists,
Lots of people wear special undergarments. Medieval knights, astronauts and strippers come to mind. That doesn’t mean you’d vote for King Arthur to be president, does it?  (Come to think of it, if the stories can be trusted, he might do a better job than the last several presidents.) Your question does, however, solve a nagging question of mine: why is Mitt Romney such an A-hole? In the last question’s answer, we conclusively proved that special undergarments can turn man into monster. Those damned underwear. At least the presidential incumbent seems like a nice guy ... or is that just his “fashion layer?”
– Keep Your Mitts Off My Country, The Diver

 

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