Diver: Katie Simkover

Katie searches for answers high and low

Interesting facts: Although not at liberty to divulge her job, it does involve washing dishes in the wilderness

Dear Diver,
I think I have some good advice to offer and would like to be The Diver but don’t know how to go about it. I’m sure it is a highly competitive process, so any insider tips you can give me to increase my chances of becoming the chosen one are greatly appreciated.
– Diver Envy, Durango

Dear Diver Envy,
It’s a very precise process that you must follow step by step. 1) You must have a P.H.D. in butchery. 2) Your astrological sign must be Virgo in three house. 3) Your right calf must be partially eaten by a pit bull. 4) You must belong to the Shriners organization as well as have a duel membership to the Church of Scientology and Church of Latterday Saints. 5) Service workers who wash dishes need not apply. Good luck and don’t hold your breath.
- Muahhahahahahahah

Dear Diver,
We recently lost the token male member of our staff at work. What sorts of suggestions does the diver have to keep the estrogen at a manageable level? We are thinking some sort of “red card” system but would welcome other ideas to avoid all emotional hell breaking loose.
– Ladies in Waiting

Dear Ladies No Longer In Waiting,
Since your concern lies in balancing “estrogen levels,” I believe the best way of going about this would be to bring a friendly batch of carrot cake muffins into the office filled with testosterone injections. You can gloat to yourself as you slowly see the women in your office growing long chin hairs that turn into massive beards and hear their new James Earl Jones voices during presentations. Later, you will have a ratio far in your favor, and you may find yourself removing the sexual harassment policies due to the ravishingly handsome staff.
- Diver

Dear Diver,
Why is Oktoberfest really in September? Is it because Septemberfest just doesn’t roll off the tongue so well? And while we’re at it, what is the official first day of the week? I say Sunday but I know a lot of people say it’s Monday. Please settle my mind.
– Calendar-Challenged

Dear Calendar-Challenged,
Well, given the grandiose taste of German beer it comes as no surprise that Oktoberfest starts in September. Why wouldn’t the Germans want a few extra weeks to bathe in the glory of their country’s finest barley pop? And Germans Do Take Oktoberfest seriously. The only beer served in Germany during Oktoberfest must be brewed within the city limits of Munich. Prost to Durangoans who represent our culture quite well - by starting Oktoberfest at the correct time and only serving our finest local beer. And as for your other calendar challenged question, we must do as the Germans do. Start the week on Sunday; the holy day; and the only day that Oktoberfest starts on in Germany!
- Danke, Diver

In a sticky situation? Got a dirty little secret?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen.  The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25, Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- or e-mail telegraph@durangotelegraph.com