Diver:Renae Blanton, of Sonas Integrative Medical Center

Interesting facts:Renae has never been happier since immigrating here from Alaska and would love to sell you her time-share on Amchitka Island out in the Aleutians.  

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I’m losing faith in the Great American Way and have little hope that the next presidential election will remedy the current state of affairs. The long and short is that I’m shopping for a new country and need a little guidance. Where would the Diver set up his/her home away from home after expatriating?

– Amera Can, via email

Dear Mr. President-elect,

Why expatriate when you can build your own country? Human freedom via seasteading! Follow the footsteps of Patri Friedman, theorist and activist of creating new countries… you might even be able to get a grant from the Seasteading Institute. If you aren’t aware of seasteading, let me bring you up to speed. Instead of using the usual $50,000 required of countries such as New Zealand to relocate, use that money to create your own island, called a seastead, and create your own laws and government. Even a co-founder of PayPal has invested in this endeavor. While floating islands are a common natural phenomenon, there are many man-made islands and their numbers are growing daily thanks to the endeavors of Mr. Friedman and the Seasteading Institute. But if the concept of creating your own island and government doesn’t appeal to you, I do have a timeshare in Juarez I could sell you.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Whatever happened to the “No shoes, no shirt, no service signs” that were everywhere back in the 1980s. Is shirtlessness more permissible in the new millennium or are public cleanliness laws relaxing? Also, is the act of going shoeless considered indecent?

– Toby, Durango  

Dear Newby Tobster,

Durango has its own set of rules and guidelines: (1) Always arrive at least 15 minutes late; (2) Never return phone calls; (3) Everyone is a friend until you really need something; (4) The Durango Tango dictates that one must have at least two jobs to reside here; (5) Wal-Mart is the only place in town to find a decent pair of underwear for those that wear them; (6) if you don’t have a drinking problem, start one; (7) get a dog to ride in the car with you; (8) owning three bikes or more is considered a must and will usually cost more than the car you drive; (9) it is acceptable for 10 guys to share a bedroom; (10) your marijuana card is in the mail; and (11) no shirt, no shoes, no problem.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My backyard mechanic talked me into a “transmission flush” and now I have a car that takes lots of time to decide when it wants to go into gear. The problem is, it was fine before. So was the only flush involved the one that flushed $125 out of my wallet?

– Signed, Slippin’ Away

Dear Slip Knot,

I think I was behind you yesterday on 550. Get a bike! Let me refer you to rules #1 and #8 of the Durango rules and guidelines.  

– Diver

In this week's issue...

March 17, 2022
Critical condition

Lake Powell drops below threshold for the first time despite attempts to avoid it

March 17, 2022
Uphill climb

Purgatory Resort set for expansion but still faces hurdles

March 10, 2022
Mind, body & soul (... and not so much El Rancho)

New health care studio takes integrated approach to healing