Diver: Piggy Sue, of points unknown

Interesting facts: Sue slops up a styful of advice whether you like it or not.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Every time I try to say “Osama” (as in bin Laden) the word “Obama” (as in Barack) comes out of my mouth. The problem is, I’m a staunch Democrat and happily voted for Osama – I mean Obama – in the last election. Is my brain playing tricks on me or is the Bush-era brainwash finally catching up?

– Rhonda, via email

Dear Rhonda,

I’ve done the same thing and wanted to slap myself silly over it. Ow. But now it is clear why Fox News called him Usama. No, not Barack, but the now-dead dude that was hiding out in Pakistan. We KNOW that Fox never wanted to say Obama even by accident. And it turns out to be a good thing they did it that way. Can you imagine the party Rush Limbaugh would throw if he heard even once, even by accident that OBAMA was dead? (God forbid…) Talk about something I don’t want to see…Bush, Rove, Cheney, et al dancing naked in the moonlight, howling, shotguns blasting. Next thing you know they’ll start trotting out signs saying Mission (Finally) Accomplished.

– Sincerely, The Diver

Dear Diver,

What are blue balls and why does my boyfriend keep saying he has them? It feels like he’s trying to pull a fast one.

– Not falling for it in Durango

Dear Virgin(ia)

No, I think he’s sick of pulling a fast one and would rather you stepped up your game between the sheets. Seriously, honey, both of you should get a clue. First, have a nice chat with the guy and ask him what’s, uh, up with that? Second, he could just stop bitching and take matters in hand, so to speak…

– Sincerely, The Diver

Dear Diver,

Is a two-dollar bill really “lucky?” Granted, Tom Jefferson was one of our cooler presidents and the bill’s unique in the realm of currency. But there seem to be quite a few two-spots out in circulation. What’s the bill’s real value?

– Collecting Nickels in Durango

Dear Collecting:

Back in the day in Michigan, when casinos were new, the tribes that owned them would make sure that if you got paid for winning (yeah, right) or you just needed change, your fundage would include some two-dollar bills. Their reasoning was that if everyone saw more of the twosies floating around, they would be able to see that the casino was HELPING the local economy. That, or it’s just a good way to catch the spouse in what they really do with their spare time. You find a couple of those two-spots in the house, you

KNOW someone was stepping out to the slots wit the family’s spare change. Now that the dollar bill is going the way of the penny, as in almost not worth carrying around, you’ll see the two be the new single and the nickel be the new penny. Maybe the casinos are just preparing us for the next wave of recession. Who knows? As far as lucky, I suppose if you found one you’d feel twice as happy as finding a one dollar bill, but it still isn’t going to get you a cup of coffee.

– Sincerely, The Diver.

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows