Dear Diver,

Whatever happened to the phenomenon known as the “hankie?” You know what I’m talking about – ye olde snot-soaked handkerchief. My dad had about a dozen of them that he used for much of his life. Are people still cruising around with wet dew rags in their pockets?

– Kicking it with Kleenex in Durango

Dear Thanks for Tossin’ your Tissues,

The hankie generation is the one that grew up without seatbelts in cars and didn’t think that smoking was bad for you. Wow, were they wrong. Weren’t they using sheepskin condoms as well? We all saw how that turned out. Anywho, as we digress, there will still be some folks that will be “environmentally friendly” with their snotty discharge, and as divers we realize the need for public sanitation and safety. We personally carry kleenex and use them liberally, but we know some people like your Dad will only give up the hankie when you pry them from their cold, dead, snot-crusted hands.

– Divers

Dear Diver,

What was up with the apocalyptic dust storm last week? The talking heads all claimed that powdery white dust was juniper pollen, but I’m not buying it. The fact that the storm happened to coincide perfectly with the arrival date for the Fukushima radiation was particularly curious. Your thoughts?

– Gary, Durango

Dear Dusty in Durango,

As severe conspiracy theorists, we believe the Talking Heads. They were a good band in the ’80s. Juniper pollen, come on, we just don’t trust scientists. Now Scientology, they got some answers! If you really want to know the answer, go up to Telluride and talk to Tom Cruise. As for the radiated dust, put some in your pipe and smoke it – Tom Cruise does. Apocalypse now…?

– Divers

Dear Diver,

Quick cliché question for you. Has the saying “drinking the Kool-Aid” officially “jumped the shark?” What will 2011’s hip, over-used saying be?

– Keepin’ it real, Hesperus

Dear Hipster in Hesperus,

We’re thinking “Crushing It” will soon be over and incorrectly used, much as hippies use the term dank. I mean really, dank means dark and moist. Your new snowboard is not dank, trust us. Your weed might be, but come on. “Crushing It” works for powder that makes sense. But crushing a climb? A mountain bike ride? A river? That doesn’t make any sense, but people are still saying it, go anywhere in Durango and eavesdrop on some dirtbags wearing Patagucci. However, it will make sense to the millions that use it everyday, just like the hanky. Now get out there and “Crush It.”

– Dish Divers, out!