Dear Diver,

Who in Durango does their shopping at Albertson’s? The building’s certainly nicer than the alternatives, but are there any other draws? Are we City Marketers missing something down at the big A?

– Delia, via email

Dear Delia,

What you’d be missing is the riff-raff that shops at City Market. It’s a little cheaper, which explains a lot, like that indoor picnic area by the restrooms. Ewww and ewww… Then there’s the informal fund-raising outside the entrance or shoppers pulling items off their ticket during checkout while you roll your eyes, in line behind them, your hand over your brow. Albertson’s is like paying the extra penny per gallon for gas, so you don’t have to go to Peerless.

– How come people who make their own soap never use it? Diver

Dear Diver,

I have a close relation who is communicating exclusively with e-mail forwards. Every day my inbox is loaded with adorable puppy pictures, videos of Ginger Rogers dancing in her 90s and bad Barack Obama jokes. I don’t want to cut this person off (Hi Mom), but this madness has to stop. Your advice?

– Waiting by the phone in Durango

Dear Waiting,

By the phone?? You’ll have to be your own caller ID – can’t you tell before you open it that it’s worthless? “Fw:” five times in the subject line ought to be one clue. Or have you already transferred your savings to a Nigerian bank managed by a guy who can’t use spell check? It’ll be easier to just pretend you’ve read them (hand over brow, massaging temples) than to explain the pointlessness. Another tactic would be to start forwarding e-mails to her that you know she’ll hate or that give glimpses of your lifestyle, previously hidden.

– Wait till she “friends” you on Facebook, Diver

Dear Diver,

My girlfriend just announced that she wants to visit Gay Ski Week in Telluride to “party.” She claims that it will be a huge bash and a good jolt for our stagnant Durango lives. I’m trying to keep an open mind, but I’m still not convinced. What does the Diver think?

– Slightly concerned on the south side

Dear “Slightly,”

I think she’s “curious.” That it’ll be a huge bash isn’t the issue; Bluegrass is a huge bash, too. I’m assuming Gay Ski Week means gay and lesbian for ease of semantics, in which case, it means she wants to get drunk and hang with a girl with bigger ones than her own. If she wants to share her new (?) interest, you’ll be livin’ the pig-dog dream … If not, you’ll be crying in your beer. But you’ve got to know. Remember to stay sober enough to follow the game. If it’s just Gay Ski Week, the pig-dog fantasy is in the other court, in which case you’re on your own. Sorry.

– Did you meet her on the wrong side of Solid Muldoon’s, late at night? Diver