Dear Diver,

What’s the difference between Miss America and Miss U.S.A.? Which is the real standard for American beauty and most deserving of a shot at Miss Universe? Speaking of which, is Miss Universe really the embodiment of femininity for the entire universe?

– Donald in Durango

Dear Double D,

I had to look this up – it turns out that the Miss America Pageant is largely about opportunity, scholarships, etc., and has a talent element to it. Miss USA & Miss Universe began as a promotional tool for Catalina Swimsuits. However, I take issue with the word “universe;” I doubt Martian chicks are gonna be into this. Certainly not the Klingons … I went to a Klingon nude beach once, on Xantar, and it was not cool.

– I remember Vanessa Williams, Diver

Dear Diver,

Please tell me about the upcoming “Cosmopop” show at the Community Concert Hall? Who is this Gabriel of Urantia fellow and what kind of music can I expect from the Bright & Morning Star Band? What’s the Diver’s take – good old fashioned psychedelia or pied piper gathering followers all over the West?

– On the verge of buying my ticket

Dear OTV,

As a matter of coincidence, these guys posted a link on Spruce Tree’s FB page last week. They’re a “wake up & smell the coffee” message; serious conspiracy theory mixed with global unity “spiritualution” [sic]. I doubt it’s a stoner scene or that the bar will be open. Now that I think about it, I’m wondering how they justify selling tickets… hmmm… Anyway, maybe Gabriel & Taliasvan can fill us in on why chicks on Urantia & Tora never compete in Miss Universe.

– Sample tracks on their link, Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s the Diver’s pick for a good summertime read? I’ve got a little time on my hands (thank you pink slip) and could use some action-packed pages to help pass the days. Something fresh and recent would be preferred. Leo Tolstoy and James Joyce need not apply.  

– Feeling bookish on the South Side

Dear Bookish,

Read some earlier Tom Robbins and you won’t care about your dumb job when you realize how ridiculous the whole paradigm is. Like subjects 1 & 2, above, for instance. I  wouldn’t call it “light” and certainly not action-packed, but you said you’re feeling bookish (i.e., philosophical, thoughtful).The Hitchhiker’s Guidehas a little action – could be a good conversation-starter, seen in your hands while in the park, or by the pool, possibly leading to a casual summer hook-up. Another way to pass the days until reality ultimately comes home. Try alsoThe Alchemist. Some action, lots of adventure, heavy on the metaphysical. Chicks will dig you for having read it. Earth chicks, anyway.

– Thank me later, Diver