Interesting facts: Mouth-breathers are people too.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

The company where I work is pretty laid back, but one co-‘worker’ comes in late and leaves early almost every day. It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was productive, but all he does is create more work for the rest of us. What would the Diver do (WWDD) to bring this slacker back into line?

– Signed, Punched Out.

Dear Curve-Killer,

It sounds like this co-‘worker’ has a good thing going. He’s obviously embracing the “pretty laid back” atmosphere a little more than most, and maybe you’re the one who’s rocking the boat. My advice? Lower your standards. If everyone comes in late, everyone is on time. If everyone leaves early, it’s not early anymore. It’s all about context. Why pull this guy up into your line when you can slouch into his? Life is a lot easier when you aim for slightly below the middle.

– Making the most of mediocrity, The Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s the acceptable amount of time to allow a used groover to sit in the garage after a river trip? My husband recently parked our ammo box in a dark corner for two months, and we’ve got a river trip coming up. Should I be concerned about the contents or use them to fertilize my veggie garden?

– River Mama, via email

Dear River Mama,

You could take the passive-aggressive approach…leave the groover in the dark corner, pretend it’s not there, and hope that it just goes away. I like to use this technique for unwelcomed relatives, over-achieving co-workers, and the memories of wasted years of youth. Or, if you’d like to think outside the “box,” you could turn the contents into a bold, avant garde art project. Extreme recycling, shocking artistic statements? People love that kind of stuff. You’ll be famous, trust me.

– Art is crap, The Diver

Dear Diver,

What are the Diver’s thoughts on the recent Judgment Day blunder? Did they really just blow the date and the Second Coming will actually be upon us in four short months? Or is it all just a big scare tactic to herd the rest of us into chapel? What should we sinners do about the revised Rapture?

– Peter Paul, Durango  

Dear P.P.,

Forget about May (oops, I meant October) 21st and the impending doom that comes with it…I’m just thrilled to know all you need is a calculator and some equations to know the un-knowable will of God. I need to find this guy and see if he can punch some numbers that say God wants me to have robot legs or a helicopter, or both. Sign me up for that party. Oh look, there’s free punch!

– The Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows