Dear Diver,

What’s up with the recent plague of crows all over downtown Durango? Is Durango cursed, are the flocks a sign of the apocalypse or do I just have too much time on my hands?

– About to take flight

Dear ATTF:

There are days that Durango seems cursed but then I look elsewhere in the world and sigh with relief that I live here. We have passed the scheduled rapture with very few of us gone missing, and the next Doomsday is not until December 2012 (I would still buy Christmas presents just in case). The trees in front of the library (I hang out there a lot) always have a Hitchcockian number of crows so I looked it up (at the library). According to Cornell University, crows like lots of large trees, trash and artificial light (they don’t see well at night and are afraid of their enemy, the horned owl). Cities have people who like trees, make trash and use artificial light. Crows like us. Why more crows? Maybe more people?  Maybe Tippi Hedren is coming to town? The only number of crows I would worry about is one. If you have one stalking you, it might just mean your own end is near.

– Sleep well, The Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m planning on popping the question but struggling to come up with the cash to buy the ring. I’ve read that I should spend two months’ salary on the fabled circlet, but two months of my salary may not get us very far. What’s the Diver’s take – max out the card or go on the cheap and risk hearing the word “no.”

– Grooming Myself in Durango  

Dear Groomer,

If you are getting married you must first understand this: YOU WILL NEVER BUY EXACTLY THE RIGHT GIFT FOR HER – EVER….FOR AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE! One plan is to ask her best friend. He or she will know. If your bride to be does not like the ring, blame her friend. If you are going it alone, I would start small, but think Grey Goose not Skol. You are making a martini not a Long Island iced tea. Simple, elegant, small is what I recommend. If she says “no” based on a ring, you are saving yourself years of grief. In five years you won’t be hearing, “but Susie and Bill have heated car seats.” Also bear in mind that there are years of jewelry buying ahead. Save the big rock for the 10th anniversary.

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m thinking about joining the revolution and getting a Facebook page. Can the Diver offer advice on amassing “friends” and avoid the pitfalls of cyber-relationships?

– Just call me old-fashioned in Durango

Dear Old-f,

It won’t hurt to try it once. Keep these things in mind: You really can’t keep up with 413 friends. You will never understand the privacy settings. You must learn the “hide all” command. You will be bombarded with requests for pigs, nails, guns, boards, goats and much more (remember “hide all”). You will have people answer all types of important questions about you, like “would (insert your name) kiss a flag pole on an icy January morning?” You can’t have cyber relationships on Facebook…it is like having a loud personal conversation on a cellphone in public...oh wait, way too many people are doing that now. Give it a few weeks and then close your account and go buy some nice stationery, drop a summer vacation pic in it and send it to a real friend.

– The Diver