The green monster

The curtain rises on Durango on the dark eve of Snowdown Bites. A January rain is falling, and we find the sleepy burg in the throes of an unexplained haunting. Thousands have mysteriously succumbed to the madness, all touched by the same symptoms – glazed eyes, untucked shirts, disinterest in the 9-to-5 work day and hefty appetites for anything containing pepperoni. One lone champion is fighting to bring it to an end, and he rides off to release Durango from the throes of the “devil’s harvest.”

The players:

Broad Erick – A member of the Durango High Council and crusader against the zombification of Durango. Erick is determined to clear the smoke, awaken the sleepers, throw Durango’s burgeoning supply of tea into Lake Nighthorse and restore the patina of “family friendliness” to Main Avenue.

Bud – Owner of Durango’s Own Loving Wellness, a dispensary and known source of “the stuff.” Bud has enjoyed staggering success in his first six weeks in business and just swapped his Southside bunkbed for a palatial foreclosure in Dalton Ranch. The young businessman aspires to take “Entrepreneur of the Year” at the next Durango Rocks competition and catch Willie Nelson in concert before the braided wonder cashes his final bowl.

Cannabis sativa – A flowering plant native to central Asia that does have psychoactive properties but a much lower rate of dependence than alcohol or tobacco. This multi-dimensional character can be used to make rope, paper, fuel and food; liven up movies and take the edge off large family gatherings; and has been shown to successfully treat glaucoma, neuropathic pain, spasicity, chemotherapy-induced nausea, etc., etc., etc.

Bud’s understudies (just in case he’s “busy” at curtain call) – MJ, Mr. Green and Zig-Zag, owners of a few of Durango’s rival dispensaries – Wellness’ Own Herbal Nature; Rocky Mountain Natural Healing Goodness; and Durango Dank (the newest shingle to grace Southwest Colorado’s streets)

Act I, Scene I

Broad Erick: (Arming himself with a polygraph machine, a cell phone pre-dialed to 911 and a copy of Glen Beck’s missive, America’s March to Socialism, the councilor girds himself for battle) Wake up, people of Durango! The haunting ends tonight. No longer can we tolerate this so-called treatment. No longer can we perpetuate the reefer rebellion the voters of Colorado were tricked into approving. The underhanded effort to legalize the drug for recreational use must die.

(Broad Erick saddles up his Mustang, turns the key and points it for downtown Durango. Moments later he arrives at the “discreet entrance” of Durango’s Own Loving Wellness, pulls his steed into a designated DOLW parking spot, dismounts, approaches the door and knocks loudly).

Bud: Crap?! Who?! What?! (Coughs four times before facing the opening door) I mean … Welcome to Durango’s Own Loving Wellness my brother … Cop a squat, we got the cure for what ails you.

Broad Erick: (Approaches a counter lined with various jars, tinctures and baked goods) English please. I didn’t understand a word you just said.

Bud: Three new strains in today – Northern Lights, Dark Star and Super Stank Grandaddy Purple. Just sampled a little of the SSGP myself (coughs again). They’re all heavy man - one’ll take you up, one will get you down and one will take you inside. Totally organic, stems are already trimmed and just $15 a gram. So what’ll it be?

Broad Erick: (Literally throws the book at Bud. March to Socialism misses the businessman but slams into a Winterland 1973 poster. Two universes collide as Glen Beck and Jerry Garcia actually see eye to eye.) Take that doper. I’m here to shut this place down, not prop it up.

Bud: I see … Maybe a little something for the hypertension. Just in today – soda pot. Only $10 bucks for a can of the fizz, which happens to be the first carbonated marijuana in existence. I’ve got a case each of Orange Kush and Canna Cola in the back. You could have a Canna and smile, if you catch my drift.

Broad Erick: (Our hero begins stammering) I … I don’t believe you understand. I’m here to …

Bud: Relax dude, I totally understand. I’ve helped a lot of folks on their first journey. Maybe one of the edibles would make for a good starter – we’ve got lozenges, cookies, chewing gum. Take your pick, wellness comes in all shapes and sizes.

Cannabis sativa: (Makes an appearance in the form of a long, curling stream of smoke being casually exhaled from the back room)

Broad Erick: What in the name of Pete is that horrendous smell? (Inhales deeply and chances a Freak Brothers-sized hit of second-hand). Whoa … Wait a tick … Hmmm, that’s not half bad.

Bud: Now you’re getting it. Soak it in. THC is like bacon for the mind. It makes just about everything better.

Broad Erick: (The councilor whispers “one pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small.”) Now that you mention it … I do feel better. (Grabs his wallet and approaches the counter) The hell with it. I’ll take five hash balls, throw in a Maharaja muffin and how about three grams of the Skunkadelic? Oh and please make it snappy. I think I’m about to miss my meeting.

– Will Sands



In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows