Diver:GEORGE

Interesting facts: Turn out the lights, chant my name into the mirror three times, then call my cell phone. I may or may not be able to hang out that night. True story.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I have a men’s room question for you. What’s the protocol when approaching a partially occupied set of men’s urinals? Do I: a) cozy up next to the current inhabitant and try to do my business or b) head toward the stall and face whatever might be lurking there? How does the Diver spell “relief?”

– Stalled out, Durango

Stalled,

Yeah, you could go use the stall ... if you want everyone to think you’re a little girl. While you’re sitting down, don’t forget to graffiti rainbows and unicorns on the stall door so everyone knows how tough you are. Personally, I like to cozy up to my neighbor, even if there are multiple urinals open. I take this bonding opportunity to teach creative handshakes, talk about personal problems, or just breathe heavily while staring at his neck. Hope that helped.

– I draw rainbows when I pee, Diver

Dear Diver,

Snowdown is rapidly approaching, and once again I’m scrambling to come up with a costume. Please help me realize the perfect Durango monster. Frankensteins and vampires need not apply.

– Debbie does Durango

What the hell Debbie?????

Frankensteins and vampires are both awesome monsters and should not face your discrimination … unless we’re talking “Twilight” vampires. If I see anyone walking around Durango with gelled up hair and a glittery chest, I’m going to be punching kidneys. I will also take this time to remind people that the theme is, in fact, “monsters” and not “Halloween,” so sexy nurses, sexy Rainbow Brights, and sexy witches can expect similar kidney punches.

To the question though: IMAGINATION, LADY! What scares you? The bogey man? Red-headed children? Octopus Hitler? The sky is the effin’ limit on this one. Stop being lame, pick up a pencil, and let your mind wander to all the things that make you run hide in your closet, then run screaming from your closet because, dummy, that’s where all the scary things like to live.

I’m going to be Octopus Hitler. You can’t have that one.

– Diver

Dear Diver

What’s the Diver’s prediction on when the Florida Road construction will be complete? We’re already past the original dead line, and the last I heard they’re calling for at least six more months of mud, wet and tears. When will the brutal flagging end?

– Mr. Chapman, via email

Chappy,

The 45 miles of railroad line up to Silverton was completed in nine months in the late 19th century. Granted, they had what I can only describe as a massive amount of cheap immigrant labor ... sooooooo, we can either open the border (I think people debate about this or something), or kick it super old school and round up all our Irish and Italian friends to get the job done. 1/8 of me is going to work on this one...

– Diver

In this week's issue...

July 21, 2022
Wildlife success or deal with the devil?

Land swap approved in Southwest Colorado, but not without detractors

July 21, 2022
Tapping out

The latest strategy to save the San Luis Valley's shrinking aquifer: paying farmers not to farm

July 14, 2022
Hey, good environmental news

Despite SCOTUS ruling, San Juan Generating Station plans to shut down