Dear Diver,

The other night the wife and I scored some date time and took in a movie at one of the local cinemas. Everything was going along swimmingly until another couple sat down behind us and broke out Asian noodles and bombed the theater with curry. The stink was overpowering, and let’s just say that the rest of my evening was G-rated. Shouldn’t people keep concessions to popcorn, Milk Duds and Sour Patch Kids? My wife thinks I should have alerted the “manager.” What’s the Diver’s opinion?

–Desperately Seeking Direction

Dear Desperate,

Unless you were at the theater watching “My Little Unicorn Princess” the night should have been anything but G-rated! The universe put those people behind you to spice up your love life not drown it in odoriferous emanations. Next time that happens, just throw in some sexy Indian deep base music when you get home and let the curry fly! Didn’t you hear, 2011 is about Role Playing - not ComPlaining! Let your lady dress up in some serapes and sequins to become your princess and you can be the Maharaja!

– Enjoy, The Divers

Dear Diver,

I’ve got a friend of a friend who loves to corner me at parties and talk conspiracy theories. He bombs me with everything from JFK to the Tower 7 theories, and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one getting the earful. What can I do about it? My social life is going up in smoke.

– Sheila, Durango

Dearest Sheila,

We feel for you, really we do – there is only one way to handle this! The next time you are at a party and you see your paranoid pal heading your way, pull out your best ninja moves and kung fu HIM into the corner and whisper very seriously in his ear in some accent that you don’t really have and say “Look buddy, you are breaking my cover! I am an undercover agent investigating the massive amounts of Durango mayhem and every time you come anywhere near me, CERTAIN people notice (mainly the good looking guys). So lay off for good, the safety of our fair city is in your hands!!” Then every now and then, give him a far-off nod like you are actually working. It will work like a charm!

– May the force be with you, “Danger” is our middle name Divers

Dear Diver,

How can I tackle and eliminate the holiday bulge? The options seem endless – nia, Pilates, Hikercise, pole dancing, Suddenly Slender body wraps, etc. Please advise. I’d like a relatively easy way to shed the eggnog and squeeze into my Bride of Frankenstein dress before Snowdown.

– X. Panding, via e-mail

Dear XXL,

Just for fun, have your Frankenstein be your bride and you be Frankenstein – as we said earlier, 2011 is about role playing. This will take off a little pressure on you and it will make your Frankenstein realize how intense it is to walk in heals and a little tiny dress in the middle of winter on icy sidewalks. While he is working on wedging himself in his new costume, you can work on your ghoulish figure by drinking at least 3 glasses of water between each and every sweet you eat (and drink). Not only will the hydration curb your appetite, your many trips to the bathroom will give you a mini-cardio workout.  THEN, while you brush your teeth in the AM and PM, blast some Gloria Gaynor and shake your money maker. Soon your muffin-top will melt away just like the snow in the Durango springtime.

– Your Smilin’ Divers