Dear Diver,

Please help us settle a burning question. Who would you rather party with – Keith Richards or Keith Moon? We’ve been tossing this back and forth for a few days and can see pros and cons to either side. Whaddya think? “Salt of the Earth” or “Teenage Wasteland?”

– Kinda bored in Hermosa

Dear Kinda Stoned In Hermosa,

Keith Richards, duh! But I feel ya, wintertime can be slow round here. This is what we do to pass the time at the café. First we create a fake Craigslist personal ad for one of our co-workers. You know, one of those “missed connections” that’s always some socially challenged 34-year-old guy who saw the girl of his dreams in the Wal-Mart check-out line. Second, you spend several weeks perpetrating the hoax while the co-worker tries to guess which regular customer might be leering at her while she’s making smoothies.  Lastly, you use your 15 minutes of fame as the beloved Diver to publicly break the news to your co-worker that this supposed cyber-stalker is completely fake and that everyone has been in on it the entire time!

– The (recently crowned) Queen of Pranks

Dear Diver,

What’s that strange pool of clear liquid that always seems to show up inside my bucket of yogurt? Is it safe to eat/drink the stuff or should I dump it straight-away? Also, how are you planning to vote in the next presidential election? 

– Jenny, Durango

Jennifer,

That clear stuff on top of your yogurt is nothing but whey that has continued to separate from the curd as it sits in your fridge. So go for it. What you should really be worried about is the other stuff in your bucket of yogurt, like antibiotics, bovine growth hormone and residual pesticides from the genetically prostituted alfalfa and corn those dairy cows are getting fed all day. The only safe option left these days is to grow all your own food. Yup, it’s the only surefire way to ensure there are no GMO’s or other carcinogenic nasties ending up in your bowl of corn flakes. Do a little research on the always trustworthy Google. Afterwards the liquid at the top of your yogurt will be the least of your concerns. Oh right, the election question ... Don’t waste your time worrying about trivial items such as the election of the leader of our country, stick to the important issues, like the mysterious yogurt juice.

– Your Super-Heady, Crunchy Granola Diver.

Dear Diver,

Everyone I know has flu, strep or the crud right now, and I’m a little tired of getting coughed on every time I go into a restaurant, gas station or grocery store. What are the Diver’s tips for dodging the viral bullet and staying healthy? Strike that. I think I have a tickle in the back of my throat. How do I bounce back after I’ve fallen?

– Sick Puppy, via email

Dearest Sick Puppy,

The only thing more common than sniffly noses around this town are half-baked opinions about the best way to stay healthy, which probiotics are the best for you, how to shave 10 minutes off your Iron Horse time, or what the best hangover cure is. If you followed every Durangotang’s secret tip, you’ll wind up chasing your tail around in circles all day and probably wind up sicker than when you started (you’ll definitely be dizzy). If all else fails, just drink the juice off the top of the yogurt tub.

– The Diver