Dear Diver,

I’m ready to stop being lame and actually do more at Snowdown than cop a buzz and freeze my ass off watching the parade. But I just glanced at the first volume of the Snowdown calendar and am in need of a little guidance, a Diver’s greatest hits of events to help me high-grade the weeklong celebration. So tell me Soapy, what are your four Snowdown favorites?

– Frank Stein, Durango

Oh, Frank, you poor thing.

True Snowdown aficionados know the pretty pamphlet is just for tourists. So, Rookie, lemme give you some advice. You want to find the stuff that didn’t make the public schedule, the real “behind the scenes” spectator events? Here’s the countdown:

4. The Pre-dawn Follies ticket chase – watch the fun as crazy people brave freezing temperatures and dash around Main Avenue seeking tickets to a small town talent show. But you’ll need to rise and shine for this one as the antics start at 4:30 a.m.!

3. The DUI Morning Jail Release (aka the “What the hell was I thinking?” shuffle) – Hijinks ensue at the jail each morning of the festival! Watch the individual competitors try to complete the walk of shame with dignity intact!

 2. Parade Night Parking Space Race – grab a lawn chair and watch as high-stress drivers search for the ever elusive

1. Projectile Vomit event – runs throughout Snowdown and usually begins around 11 p.m. Wednesday night. Late-night drunks compete in this event, but judging can be hit or miss! Have fun at the Festival!

– Sincerely, Monster Hangovers Ahead!

Dear Diver,

I’m thinking about doing a little experimentation and have a question: Have you ever taken a hit at the oxygen bar? What does it feel like? Are there benefits to sucking thick, fragrant O2? Do people actually get high off the stuff or is it purely a flatlander fantasy?

– Breathless in Durango

Dear Inhalant:

Oxygen bar? Unless you have some drastic issues, you don’t need no stinking oxygen bar! Most living humans have 97 percent oxygen saturation anyway! What the hell is that other 3 percent going to do for you? Nada. Zilch. Well, nothing fun, anyway. So, use that space for something fun! My advice? Hookah bar! Nitrous! Suck it up and get real!

– Signed, Count backwards from 100….

Dear Diver,

I’m confused. What’s the difference between trip-hop, glitch-hop and trance? If I go to an electronica show and there’s sampling, am I still watching live music? Are dubstep and dance hall musical genres or dance moves? Most importantly, what happened to the old days when Durango’s musical menu was limited to bluegrass and rock?

– R. Jeremy, via e-mail

Well Mr. Jeremy,

I am not much of a fan of those types of “music” you mention. I personally like having something for everyone in the Durango music scene because Durango is full of many different types of people. Let’s explore a little, though, shall we?

Trip-hop? Sounds like a flip-flop malfunction on a Main Avenue sidewalk.

Glitch-hop? Well, electronic mistakes = music? I think not…

Trance? Well, without the “E,” what do you have? Tranc.  Just sayin’.

– Sincerely, Get out there and shake it!