Diver: David Halterman
Interesting facts: “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Dear Diver,
My husband, Rooster, is clucking mad because I love men in spandex, and he has been cock-a-doodling all day and night since I told him Durango scored the first leg of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge. I got so excited I laid a dozen eggs at the same time. I decided to capitalize off this event and make a website called, “Men in Spandex and the Chicks that love them.” I am also thinking about T-Shirts, “Cluck if you love Spandex” and “Chicks love Spandex.” How can I get any work done if I can’t get Rooster to shut up so I can get some sleep?
- Brooding in the Hen House

Brooder,
Try your fortune with a little cock-a-doodling to get what you want, that usually does the trick.  If not, tell him to go cluck himself.  Girls gotta eat, right?  Here’s an idea for a T-shirt, “My Hens Lay is Grade A.”
– Diver 

Dear Holy Diver,
I feel a need to set the record straight regarding Ronnie James Dio.  Dio never played guitar. While he did play French horn, trumpet and bass, he will be forever known for his incredibly powerful voice.   Calling Ritchie Blackmore a “real guitar talent” is a bit of a stretch when compared to Toni Iommi and Vivian Campbell. As for the second greatest guitar player of all time, look no further than Randy Rhoads.  BTW “real” headbangers wore denim and leather not lycra. I guess you need a question. Is there anywhere closer than Alby to hear some fist-pumping, distorted mayhem through Marshall stacks?
– Leather Lives!

Leather Lover,
Last I heard, the metal scene in Breen and Marvel is really blowing up, while Red Mesa has been drawing a formidable neo-grunge following. A bar in Oxford is being coined the next CBGB’s, and a reliable source informs me that Elmore’s Corner is THE place to be if you’re into metal-ambient-folk-80s synth-pop shoegaze fusion. If you can’t escape the metropolis of D-town, rest assured that your musical needs will be met with a wide array of sounds ranging from dub-step, bluegrass and…uh….hmm, well, we have a lot of banjos and molly-laced macbooks, let me put it that way. Although, I did hear that Formulated Youth does some pretty accurate thrash metal covers, upon request. Ever heard Pantera’s “Drag the Waters,” performed on a Martin, cello and a cajon?
– Rock on! Diver

Dear Diver,
I know you get hit up every year at this time for hangover remedies. But here’s my question: What is the best approach to mitigating a hangover the night before (other than the obvious choice of not drinking?) I know some people swear by beer-only, but I don’t have the stomach or baldder for such a tactic. So what’s the best? Whiskey? Bourbon? Moonshine?
– Half in the Bag  

Half Bagger,
Gasoline.  Pure gasoline.  A cup or two in between drinks throughout the night will ensure your morning will be a peaceful and pain-free one.  Trust me, I’m a doctor.  Merry Chistmas!
– Diver