Diver:The Eat Me Beat Me Lady

Interesting facts:The Eat Me Beat Me Lady has a penchant for run-on sentences, making up words and oral

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Does anyone really give a shite about the Royal Wedding? I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of being bombarded with pictures, gossip and tidbits about William and Kate every time I log on to the internet. How can those of us of lesser breeding avoid contact with the stately affair and maybe even take a little revenge on the royals?  

– Colorado Commoner

Dearest CC,

I really haven’t experienced this media onslaught you speak of, but then again I typically avoid the types of media that ... hmmm ... how do I put this? ...that 14-year-old girls enjoy. As far as revenge goes, I’m sure that being an adult, you’ve outgrown the need for such petty ways to vent your anger, or at the very least know how to change the channel. Try ESPN, I haven’t been seeing a whole lot of wedding stuff there. And who knows? Maybe if you get off the computer, turn off the tube and leave the house, something real might actually happen and then you could worry about that instead?

– Good luck with that, The EMBML

Dear Diver,

How will my garden grow? I’m breaking ground on a backyard veggie garden right now and in need of some good Durango crop choices. Any tips for a freshman grower?

– Mary Mary, Durango

Mary Mary quite contrary,

I’m just a garden hoe. Unfortunately, I’m just not much of a

gardener, which isn’t to say that the occasional green thumb hasn’t broken ground in my “back yard” if ya know what I mean. Keep it dirty, girl.

– Love, The EMBML

Dear Diver,

Why are home prices still astronomical in Durango? Turn on the television and all you hear about is the nationwide housing slump. People are picking up short sales at cut-rate prices everywhere but La Plata County. What gives? When will the rest of us get a chance at the American dream?

– Tom the Perma-Tenant

Oh Tom,

I feel your pain, and not to get all “thinky” in the Diver section, but here

we go. I was speaking with a developer once who was trying to push a low-cost

housing development through City Council. These would’ve been low-cost units available for purchase to broke ass suckers like ourselves. The Council basically shut him down claiming that it was too sprawly, so he did what any good capitalist would and said, “Screw it, I’ll just build an $8 million ranch house instead” (“Ranch house” being rich folk talk for a mansion in Colorado). This of course drives up surrounding property values and so on and so forth. The truth is, eventually we’re going to have to embrace a certain amount of sprawl if we don’t want to become another Vail. Sorry to get all soapboxy in the Diver but it’s my party and I’ll barf if I want to. So there you have it Tom, come on by my place sometime and we’ll see if a little H.J. can’t turn that frown upside down.

– The EMBML 

In this week's issue...

March 17, 2022
Critical condition

Lake Powell drops below threshold for the first time despite attempts to avoid it

March 17, 2022
Uphill climb

Purgatory Resort set for expansion but still faces hurdles

March 10, 2022
Mind, body & soul (... and not so much El Rancho)

New health care studio takes integrated approach to healing