Dear Diver,

I heard the expression “hard cheese” the other day, as in “Oh man, that’s hard cheese,” and I’m having a little trouble figuring it out. Is the saying new, old, good, bad, trendy, stale, popular or lame? Isn’t hard cheese a delicacy? Translation please.

– Feeling Cheesy, Durango

Dear Cheesy,

Cheese = tough luck. It’s actually an old British saying, but can certainly be applicable today. For example, “Oh man, you’re an Alltel customer? Hard cheese,” or “You live up Florida? That’s hard cheese.” Or perhaps the next time you see J. Paul Brown walking down Main, you can stop him and say, “You, sir, are hard cheese.”

– Diver

Dear Diver,

It’s been 20 years since I took my driving test, and I have a quick rules of the road question. Do the cars on the other side of the road of a funeral procession have to pull off? I ran into a biggie the other day, spent 10 minutes roadside and was late to work. Am I legally required to pull off or is it just the right thing to do?

– In the driver’s seat, Durango

Dear Seat,

While I’m not quite sure if it’s the law, in my book the only time one should pull off, aside from when there’s sirens sounding, is at the sight of Tea Partiers on the sidewalk. And even then, it’s more of an aim and accelerate. Hope this helps.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I think my wife is addicted to Zumba. She’s been going to class two to three days a week, and at $10 a pop, her little habit’s starting to add up ($1,500/year by my rough calculation). I support her newfound passion for world music aerobics but am worried about the bottom line. What to do?

– Sincerely, Married Mark

Dear Mark,

You’ve got it easy, especially in this town. Just be thankful she isn’t part of the scourge-o-Durango, more commonly known as the road biker. Not only is Zumba a hell of a lot cheaper, but the only people staring at her ass are other women and gay guys, instead of Jimbo, Tony Bob and everyone else driving up Hwy 550. I could go on about Spandex, saddle chafe and brown-streaked chamois, but I think you get the point.

– Diver