Dear Diver,

I recently joined the movement and got my medical marijuana card. But now I’m torn and confused. There are so many dispensaries, and I’m not sure where to go to treat my sickness. Which attributes should I seek in my primary provider? Also, is there such a thing as a “free gram?”

– Smokey, via e-mail

Dear Smokey,

Dude, they sell weed … let’s not be picky … they sell weed. Is the door unlocked? – good! Is the guy behind the counter awake? – good! Do they have weed? – good! Yes, there is such a thing as a free gram, just put your name on a government list of people that smoke weed, so the government can keep a close eye on you. Oh wait, you already did this.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Here’s a quick question for this hyper-groovy, electric age: Scooters – cool or fool?

– R.P., Hermosa

Dear R.P.,

The only “cool” people who ride scooters are 6 ft 4 muscle-bound German guys named Hans who wear muscle shirts and spandex and wave “hi” to everyone they pass. Hi Hans!  Other than that, you risk hurting your image. By the way, you can still get a DUI on a scooter.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m walking through town with my husband, and street lights and neon signs suddenly start flickering and shutting off. The same thing happened a couple days later at Walmart. Does he have secret powers that I’m not aware of? More importantly,

– Turned on in Durango

Dear Turned On,

I’m sorry to say, your husband does not have secret powers. This is actually becoming a common occurrence. Recent studies in theNew England Journal of Medicine indicate that this phenomenon is linked to males having too much semen in their body. The phenomenon starts out with simple lights flickering, but can become dangerous rather quickly, inducing lightning strikes. The best solution is to assist your husband on a regular basis to “release” this surplus semen. Mike, you owe me $50.

– Diver