Diver: Clint “Wildcat” Reid  

Interesting fact: If Clint had a nickel for every time he was mistaken for Hugh Jackman’s stronger, more handsome twin, he would have more than 300 imaginary nickels.

Dear Diver,

A friend of mine just dropped a plastic sack full of green chiles off at my house, and I have no idea what to do with them. So they’re just sitting in my fridge and getting musty. What suggestions can the diver offer? Please be quick. I’m about to landfill the little greenies.

– Spice Boy, Durango

Dear Musty Spice,

I have the perfect recipe for your aging green chiles. First, take the green chiles, place them in a sack. If you can find a sack with tiny rope handles and obnoxious animal print, this would be ideal. Next, take some really thin paper (the kind that seems to serve no other purpose other than to be stuffed into decorative sacks). Stuff the paper into the decorative sack. Once you’ve combined these ingredients, deliver the chile-laden sack to someone else. You have now successfully re-created a crappy gift, and carried on the tradition of inconsiderate gift-givers.

– Congratulations, The Diver

Dear Diver,

A dear friend of mine celebrates her 10th wedding anniversary in a few weeks, and I don’t think her soulmate has anything planned. Please offer up a few suggestions for a Durango dream date and help me trick her husband into giving her a night to remember.

– Gretchen, via e-mail

Dear Gretchen,

My first suggestion would be to put the next disc of “Desperate Housewives” in your DVD player to occupy yourself while you keep out of your friend’s business. My second suggestion would be to floss. This doesn’t have anything to do with tricking husbands, but dental health is always a good suggestion. In fact, it’s probably the best suggestion I’ve got, so I should probably quit while I’m ahead. Here’s to plaque control!

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

When loading a dishwasher should utensils be pointing up or down? My husband is a horizontal guy, but I’m definitely into the vertical. Which way does the Diver, the master of the Insinkerator, point? Please help us resolve the domestic dispute before it escalates.

– Out of detergent in Durango

Dear Detergency Emergency,

When it comes to the directional polarity of the points of your silverware, the answer is neither up nor down. The answer is plastic. You should only use plastic utensils (including cups and plates). Use a new set for every meal, even snacks. Afterwards, promptly discard all your plastic dishes into the garbage. This way, you will be conserving water by not using your dishwasher, and you can brag to all your friends about how much more you are doing for the environment than they are. They will appreciate your constructive criticism.

– Trust me, The Diver

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

In this week's issue...

March 17, 2022
Critical condition

Lake Powell drops below threshold for the first time despite attempts to avoid it

March 17, 2022
Uphill climb

Purgatory Resort set for expansion but still faces hurdles

March 10, 2022
Mind, body & soul (... and not so much El Rancho)

New health care studio takes integrated approach to healing