Diver:Jackie Callister from the Ore House

Interesting fact:Jackie recently went all the way to Burning Man to conquer her fear of hula hoops

Dear Diver,

What’s the best remedy for eraser-face? I’ve stumbled into two conversations this week where I just can’t remember the person’s name. I pulled all the classics – “Hey, man” and “See you, dude” – but almost stumbled. How can I reopen my sealed memory banks?

– Sal, Durango

Dear Sal,

I think you’re giving it away by throwing out the “mans” and the “dudes,” may I suggest using only ONE term of endearment for all humans. I call everyone “buddy.” It’s sweet, friendly, and I was told that in Jamaica, it’s slang for dick. Also by calling all people “buddy,” I have eliminated having to remember anybody’s name; leaving big open spaces in my mind for more important knowledge. Like did you know Scott Baio was only 19 when he started directing episodes of “Charles in Charge?” I would never have been able to retain that iconic television gem if I had to remember all four of my sisters’ names.

– Good Luck Buddy, The Diver

Dear Diver,

Summer’s stench is still upon us, and for me and most of Durango, that means stinky sandals. I don’t know why but rubber sandals and foot odor just go together like rancid peanut butter and chocolate. The truth is, I need serious help. What’s the best way to sink my Birkenstink?

– Flip-flopping in Durango

Dear Stinky,

For God’s sake wash your feet already, put some baby powder on them, and wear socks! Nobody needs to smell you. Sorry to be so harsh, Stinky, especially since you probably have no friends because you smell bad. But there is one beacon of light to my advice, if your socks are black, reach just above your ankle and you’re still rockin’ your Birks, you’ll look oh so European.

– Guter Tag Zu Ihnene, The Diver

Dear Diver,

All the longtime M.J. smokers I know seem to suffer from the serious side effect of grumpiness. Given the recent popularity of M.M.J. in our community, I’m starting to think this could become a problem for Durango. Is there a Surgeon General’s warning on medicinal herb or is there a special strain out there that doesn’t make you grumpy after long-term use?

– Grumpy Police, via e-mail

Dear Grumpy and Misinformed,

I find this question completely asinine. First of all, marijuana has been popular in our community for a long time, now it’s just being taxed. Second of all, if someone is grumpy after they smoke weed, chances are they were grumpy before they smoked the weed. It is my opinion that there is no way long-term marijuana use will cause poopy pants syndrome; a hankerin for potato chips, yes. Also I am wondering why so many of your friends appear grumpy to you? Do you just have bad taste in people or could it be that misery loves company? At any rate, I think some self evaluation is in order; if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect to love others?

– Burnin it down, The Diver                                                                  

 

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Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation