Dear Diver,

I’ve got a friend who habitually screens her calls. I can respect wanting to take a break from the robocalls, but there’s one problem – she never calls back. Plus, it’s pretty embarrassing leaving a message when I know she’s there next to the phone listening. What to do?

– Call Girl, Durango

Dear Call Girl,

I used to date her – what a small world! I can’t believe she has an actual machine and can hear the message (aka voice mail) being left, like the opening scene of The Rockford Files. But sadly, C.G., the harder you try, the more she’ll withdraw. Since not calling will produce nothing at all, you’re in a lose-lose situation. Frustrating as hell, I know. Some “friend,” huh?  If/when you come to hold some kind of opportunity for her, you’ll be astonished how fast she can do a 180. Tell her I say hi!

– What have you done for me lately? Diver

Dear Diver,

I went into the office john the other day, did my business and (horror of horrors) could not find any toilet paper. Both stalls were empty, the paper towel dispenser was out and even the

– Wiped out in Durango

Dear Wiped,

Unless it’s a fecal emergency, check first. An ounce of prevention … You may want to stow a roll of your own in your desk. Another option would be to wipe with your underwear, then leave them on the floor. No one will touch them until the cleaning crew arrives, whose job it is to stock after-dinner rolls in the first place. You lose a pair of skivvies, but it makes a statement.

– Sliding ’n striding, Diver

Dearest Diver,  

My spouse and I are currently having a battle over the future of our back yard. He wants to grow grass in our giant brown dead spot, and I want to extend the patio with pavers. What do you think? Luxuriant lawn (yeah, right) or happy hour paradise?

– L.L. via e-mail

Dear L.L.,

In this day of eco-green conservation, there’s a dozen handy arguments

If this should somehow fail, remember the old adage – it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission, and unload the pavers in the yard. If he wants to pick them up and return them, get emotional and cry until he recants and kisses your ass to recover.

– Salud!

Diver