Dearest Diver,  

What are your thoughts on the Tea Party movement? Are these really compassionate, concerned Americans working to restore balance to our democracy? Is the current administration actually spending all of its time trying to undermine my basic freedoms? Should I believe everything I read/hear?

– Thomas J., via e-mail

Dear Fellow ’Merican,

According to Wikipedia, the average tea bagger is a white male over the age of 45, fat, rich and watches Fox News. They are more than likely to be distant cousins of Rush Limbaugh and his 60 mistresses who are verbally beaten into submission daily and addicted to painkillers. If our biases have not been already exposed, no, we do not believe that these are your garden variety of ’Mericans. The current administration is actually spending our hard-earned tax dollars on the search for men with sagging scrotums and extra large mouths. You should always believe what your Divers tell you, we would never lead you astray. Just like in sex, in politics, you only get F*%$ed.

– Sincerely, Freedom Lovin’ All ’Merican Divers

Dear Diver,

My co-worker, who shares my immediate workspace, has extremely intense b.o. I’m all for conserving water and going chemical-free, but he’s got serious issues and yet is completely oblivious. Is there a polite way to address his little problem, restore freshness to my workspace and not step on anyone’s feelings.

– Nosing around in Durango  

Dear Brown Noser,

Let us Divers commiserate with you for a second … That sucks big patchouli-scented balls. No, there is no polite way to go about this level of stank. Action must be taken; you need to stop being a namby-pamby-pansy and lay it on him like urine on a musk ox. For we know this is what he must reek of. Here’s what your Divers prescribe:

Administer one pint of “medicated” ice cream (that stuff is dangerously delicious!) to your dirty hippy co-worker. Upon delirium, mix two parts Dr. Bronners magic peppermint soap with one part bleach in a chemical sprayer. Wheel his Royal Stankness out to the parking lot and apply liberally. Rinse and repeat. Leave a care package of Burt’s Bee’s male hygiene kit (that does not contain patchouli) on his desk.

ATTENTION patchouli wearers/abusers: YOU DO NOT SMELL PLEASANT. Cease and desist use immediately, your aroma is disturbing to all those in your immediate vicinity.

– Yours Honestly and Truly,

Durango’s Duo of Deliciously Unscented Divers

Dear Diver,

I just returned from a 10-day family reunion (aka, never-end ing bender) and need help crawling on the wagon. What are the Diver’s tips for hanging up my newfound vodka habit? Also, how can I go about restoring the warm glow to my body without undertaking anything like a fast or ubercleanse?

– Already thirsty, via e-mail

Dear Boozing Loser,

Join the club. Here in Durango, many of us are under the employ as part-time alcoholics. The wagon must have pulled out prematurely without us. But it’s all a matter of balance. Go hiking for God’s sake! Hogsback at the heat of midday will do much to restore your color and help you sweat that Russian Water out. Stop hanging out with your Moe’s Starlight Lounge Twilight Bookclub. If you happen to hit a bump in the road, we’ll see you Friday night at the Lost Dog doing our Super Secret Diver Calisthenics on the dance floor. Cheers!

– Your Dirvishly Drunk Dancing Divers