Dear Diver,

I’m confused. Is it “liquor before beer never fear?” Or “liquor after beer never fear?” Or “beer on liquor never sicker?” After serious experimentation (several decades), I can’t quite figure it out. I’ve even consulted a variety of reliable sources and can’t seem to get a straight answer.

– Bottoms Up, via email

Dear Jackass,

Several decades? If you can’t crack this riddle, then I’m embarrassed not only for you, but for your mother as well. How does she bring herself to tell the other ladies in the trailer park that her self-proclaimed scientist of a son is actually just an alcoholic? Albert Einstein (you may recognize the name; he was an actual scientist) said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” Put down

– Love, Annie the Destroyer

Dear Diver,

I just saw that Atmos Energy plans to stick it to us this winter to the tune of an extra $20 a month. What tips can you offer for keeping the homestead toasty and also somehow sticking it back to “the man?” I wouldn’t mind seeing the Atmos execs squirm for a change.

– Wyatt, Durango

Dear Squirmy,

The question we all want to know is: Why are you still relying on fossil fuels for heat? Isn’t that kind of neolithic? Do you also have several wives down at the ole homestead? Sorry, I guess that’s several questions. Anyway, to answer your query, earthships are the solution. Load up the wives and take a little road trip to Taos, and you’ll see why used tires and empty cans of PBR make the best insulation. Plus, with passive solar hot water, photovoltaic electricity, natural solar heat, and rainwater collection you can collectively stick it to ALL the utility companies! However, if you are not into Birkenstocks and patchouli, I would suggest that you begin collecting the candidate propaganda that is no doubt overflowing from your mailbox. By the time Election Day rolls around, you should have enough extra-glossy endorsements to fuel your fireplace until the snow melts.

– Your not politically affiliated in any way friendly neighborhood smoothie artists (Don’t forget to vote!)

Dear Diver,

Should I start washing everything I buy from the thrift store before wearing? Many of the items are vintage treasures and a spin cycle could quite literally ruin them. Nonetheless, I’ve been reading a lot of news about bed bugs and have a good friend who just ran the scabies gauntlet. Please help.

– Itchy and Scratchy on the South Side

Dear Miss Scratch and Sniff,

As someone who has personally witnessed the devastating effects of cat scratch fever in a co-worker, I would err on the side of caution and burn all your clothes. Yes, even your “vintage treasures,” you can’t be too careful these days. If you haven’t noticed, our fair town has been overrun by pot-smoking hippies with questionable-at-best bathing habits. It is common knowledge these crunchy-granola, bike-riding, eco nazis are regulars at all the local thrift stores. Plus, by buying an entirely new wardrobe, you will be helping boost our nation’s economy and making Wal-Mart shareholders a few extra bucks in these tough times (Jimmy is worried he is not going to get the I-phone4 he wants for Christmas this year).

– Remember when you get the credit card bill that you were only trying to be a good American, Jarrod