Dear Diver,

I know someone asked this a few weeks ago, but I wasn’t satisfied with the answer. What’s the ultimate Durango Halloween costume? I’m low on creativity this year and could use a couple pointers. Please be quick – time is running out.

– Doug, Durango

Durango Doug,

This is Durango, and you should know that it really doesn’t matter what you wear for Halloween, as you will get no less than six other chances during the year to bust out a costume. Until you get that creative meter back up, (I’m not sure how you got low in the first place...poor fiber? In that case, eat oatmeal and get schemin’. Also, you’ll pass waste like a champion!) I suggest you pursue inebriation as your muse. Maybe you’ll end up naked, paddling your bathtub down Main ... which actually might be what I’m doing, so to save ourselves from embarrassment when we meet up at parties (we’ll have a laugh, but I’m not going to be the one who goes home to change), please find something else to be.

– This totally was not a cop out from having to think up costume ideas for you, George

Dear Diver,

Why is Canadian currency known as the loonie? Also, are we supposed to take anything that comes out of the Great White North seriously? It seems like a bunch of loonies live up there.

– Proud to be ’Merican

Dear Toby Keith,

If you were really proud to be an American, you should know the proper way to spell it is by removing every vowel. Vowels are East Coast, liberal, elitist and other Tea Party talking points as well (Obama!) Anyway, what you should have signed was “Proud to be ’Mrcn,” in which case I, overcome with your passionate patriotism, would have kissed you full on the mouth, which is OK as long as we close our eyes...and the liberal media doesn’t find out...or my wife. Also, “loonie” is Canadian slang for a dollar, much as “buck” is for us (“Buck” actually was coined by Canadians). It was adopted on account of a loon being stamped into the back of the dollar coin. Canada is a proud country, abundant in culture and history, AS WELL AS AN ALLY, GOOD SIR! The more you know.

– Your Mom is a Loonie, George

Dear Diver,

What’s with people in Durango claiming to be “really busy” when you know they’re not. Isn’t it off-season? Is there or is there not a major construction slump under way? Shouldn’t we all be happy to earn a few bucks and then belly up at the watering hole? What’s really going on?

– Not quite busy enough in Durango

Not Quite Busy Enough,

Don’t you get it? Nobody likes you. Your thoughts on that important topic everyone is talking about were really insensitive and frankly, pretty racist. And your BO... It’s like you sewed a raccoon and a skunk together, shook ’em around in a trashcan full of rancid meat, and made a fine perfume from the resulting stink. Also, you never tip and then we’ve got to pick up your slack. It’s pretty embarrassing. You should probably “get busy” with a shower and personality reboot. Boom! See how I turned that around? Awesome.

– Someone had to tell you, George