Dear Diver,

The other night I busted my husband raiding our son’s Halloween candy stash. He didn’t know I was looking and casually helped himself to four bite-sized Snickers. My son hasn’t noticed the lightening of the load, but it still feels wrong. How can I stop the parental pilfering?

– Trying not to be a witch, via email

Dear what-rhymes-with-witch,

Candy? Two weeks after Halloween? WTF?! First of all, why is there candy left? And second, why do you care who eats it? Your son has had two weeks to eat his fill and pick out all his favorites. I suspect the reason your husband is sneaking morsels has nothing to do with your son’s refusal to share. If you don’t want be a Broom Hilda, here is my suggestion. Put on your sexiest garb and place those bite-size delights in all the places that delight you and let him find them. Thank me later.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Now that the horrendous election is over, I’m curious. What happens to all of the leftover campaign money? I assume our trustworthy candidates either donate it to charity or give it back. But I have a sneaking suspicion they all went out and had a Capital-sized rager? Which is it?

– Rosalind, Hermosa

Dear Rosalind,

Back in my day of running for state office, that post-election, “fact-finding” trip to Jamaica was well deserved. Today, two words: medical marijuana. You do the math.  There will be more to roll over to the next campaign after that party!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Recently, my girlfriend started dropping hints that we should get a puppy together. The problem is, we don’t live together and have only been dating for three months. To be honest, it’s feeling a little bit like a trap and a lead-up to a canine custody fight. Please advise.

– Single-minded Sal, Durango

Dear Soon-to-be-single Sal,

Apparently everyone but you is savvy that “Let’s get a puppy together” is code for, “I want a baby.” There may be a chance she is looking for someone to share poop patrol and walking the pup in our coming frigid months - but Diver isn’t buying it. Take it as a compliment she finds you good genetic material for her offspring (or she is really desperate).  From my experience, babies are much easier than a puppy. Think about it, no frigid walks, and diapers changes in a controlled climate ... much easier. Diver says either skip the pup and go straight for the babe or, “Run, Forrest, run!”

– Diver