Dear Diver,

I work in a large office with a shared bathroom. Let’s just say that it’s given rise to some uncomfortable encounters. What’s the best way to “do my business” (aka: go number 2, drop anchor, make a deposit, lay cable, etc.) without attracting unwanted attention?

– Tired of holding it in Durango

Dear Holding,

I think you should take a reverse strategy; you’re going to have to pinch a loaf (coil a steamer, drop the kids off at the pool, etc.) at some point. You should take pride in the eye-watering stench; declare an “8.6” or a “9.3” when exiting. You’ll have the place to yourself in no time. However, there is one other option; if the office is in a building with more than one floor, go to the next one up, or down, for a mystery deposit – the bathrooms will be in the same place on every floor.

– Shit or get off the pot, Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s with the gluten-free craze? Are these gluties actually allergic to everything? Or is it just another way to get the most sympathy votes? I thought wheat was supposed to be good for you.

– John Doe, via e-mail

Dear John “Dough?!”

Sorry – I couldn’t pass it up …While bread has been around for most of civilization, it’s a case of previously misunderstood/ misdiagnosed ailments. When I was a kid, no one had ADD, you were just a day-dreamer, and needed a slap to the back of the head. No one had Alzheimer’s, you just went senile. So, the poor gluties suffered along, as was their lot. The good news is, now you can claim an allergy for anything you don’t care for, without being rude. Foie gras, menudo, fish served with the head still on, etc. It’s like a passport around cross-cultural “delicacies.”

– No more bait on your plate, Diver

Dear Diver,

Why is it so much fun to look at before and after shots of “The Biggest Losers?” Are we actually inspired by the dramatic weight loss? Or are we strangely attracted to the freak show?

– Loving Losers in Durango

Dear Loser Lover,

Yes, we are strangely attracted to the freak show. It’s like pouring rotten milk down the drain; you know it’s going to gag you, but you’ve just got to catch a whiff to be sure. Do you really need to look at that mangled deer on the side of the road to know what it is?! Acknowledging is half the battle. Welcome home.

– Peeking in the liposuction dumpster, Diver