Dear Diver,

Why is Mother’s Day one of the biggest holidays the year, while Father’s Day seems like another excuse to get dad behind the lawnmower. I know that moms do a lot of the heavy lifting, but doesn’t dad deserve a little love, too?

– Eagerly expecting offspring

Dear Eager:

Your signature indicates that you have not yet become a proud parent. This can be the excuse for your ignorance of history, tradition, and all those holidays invented by Hallmark. See, if you Google “Who invented Mother’s Day?” you get almost 900,000 responses. If you Google “Who invented Father’s Day?,” you get “Did you mean, ‘Who invented Mother’s Day?’”… So no matter what you do to help with the newborn, you’re still hopelessly outnumbered. And speaking of heavy lifting, just wait until you’re in the delivery room. You’ll be so happy to simply have a lawn to mow because the lawn can’t scream at you “YOU DID THIS TO MEEEEEEEEE!”

– Cheers! Diver Mom

Dear Diver,

Are we really supposed to believe that Hugh Hefner is still getting action at the ripe old age of 84? Every time I see a photo of the Playboy magnate, he’s sporting a piece of arm candy, and word has it he’s currently “dating” a 24-year-old Bunny. What’s really going on here?

– Longtime subscriber

Dear “I read it for the articles….”

My first thought was, “Action, yes, but more along the lines of an occasional diaper change.” But miracles are possible. It is totally believable that these lovely young ladies are in it for the love and nothing more. And quite frankly, if you were Hef don’t you think you’d take it and run with it? What’s the guy going to do, say “No, honey, I really don’t want to be seen with you and your gigantic ... assets?” The way I see it, best case? Yes he’s still scoring with hot chicks. Worst case? He’s still getting his Depends changed by hot chicks. Win-win in my book.

– Cheers! The Diver

Dear Diver,

What is mercury in retrograde and why is it ruining my life? Also, all my hippy chums seem to be talking about “mercury in retrograde” more often than ever these days. What gives?

– Don in Durango

Dear Don

Mercury in retrograde? Evidently about three times a year, Mercury gets ahead of the sun. If we’re aware of it, we’re all supposed to use this time to assess our priorities, see into the future and eliminate past mistakes. What does this have to do with your complaining hippy friends? If they’re prioritizing and trying to eliminate past mistakes, maybe they’re using astrology/astronomy/mumbo jumbo to gently ease you out of their inner circle. Either that or they’re trying to see into the future to figure out who’s buying the next bag of dank. The fact that they’re talking about it more often probably means it’s your turn. Just sayin.’  

– Cheers! The Diver