Dear Diver,

What are your thoughts on vegetarianism? I’m thinking about making the switch for health reasons, but I’m not sure I can surrender the swine or embrace the pleasures of tempeh and tofu. Is there such a thing as a flexitarian?

– In fear of flesh in Durango

Dear Verge of Vaginitis:

“Isms” suck. Don’t believe in any of them. We know people who tried “Flexitarianism” but most of them have mercury poisoning. Then there are your “Meatitarians.” They will try to talk you into becoming a vegetarian. See, they believe that more vegetarians = less demand for meat, which would lower the prices to the point that they can get a $1 James Ranch Burger. If you do choose vegetarianism and you start to break out in little sores all over your body, go to the hospital immediately for a “meat drip” because you’ve got a case of Vaginitis (Thank you South Park), and it can be fatal.

– Divers, “Vegetarian = Bad Hunter”

Dear Diver,

What’s up with the weird foot gloves I’ve seen running around town lately? They’re called the Vibram FiveFingers shoes, and they’re a little unusual to say the least. What says the diver – future of footwear or fungal flash in the pan? Also, do the shoes include any kind of self-esteem booster inside the box?

– Bruce J., via e-mail

Dear Thank Goodness Someone is Thinking:

We “Googled” these shoes. They are for hippies that want to take off their shoes without getting their feet dirty. We find a fundamental flaw with this assumption…clean hippies? This must be a scam. Somebody somewhere wanted to see just how gullible humans can be. Flip-flops are bad enough, but at least they air out the tootsies. It blows us away that anyone would wear a shoe that covers the entire foot but makes it EASIER to stub a toe. Folks, put the mushrooms away and start thinking.

– Divers Against Fugly Foot Fashion

Dear Diver,

My husband wants us to quit our jobs, move into a van and homeschool our child for a year. He’s even got a couple of nice “sites” picked out down by the Animas and has been pricing campers on Ebay. Good idea or bad idea?

– Overworked and still renting

Dear Two Jobs to Live and Three Jobs to Leave:

Let us guess, your husband’s a writer? But he hasn’t been using that paper for writing, he’s been ROLLING DOOBIES! You should let your kid go to the free school, and supplement this experience with REAL learning. Then send your kid to college – OUT OF STATE – for five or six years...whatever it’s taking these days. That should chew up all your rent money and the van dream will come to fruition before you know it. At least you’ll have the time to spend with each other…unless your child is like us and you have to support them until… well we won’t divulge our ages. You’ll be working FOREVER (evil laugh!)

– Your Overworked and Underplayed Divers