Dear Diver,

My wife has become a Facebook addict. She spends hours on end glued to the computer im-ing and chatting it up with god knows who. The other night I woke up to find her FB-ing at 3:30 a.m. Who the heck is even up at that time? Needless to say, she wakes up after these FB benders, grouchy and disheveled, almost like a Facebook hangover. I think her work is also beginning to suffer and she has lost touch with all her “real” friends. Is it time for a “Face-ervention?”

– Offline Ollie

Dearest Ollie,

Have you ever considered that your wife just isn’t that into you anymore? Perhaps her new found addiction is a way to cope with or avoid talking to you about your marital problems. Being perpetually low on cash, I like to utilize Facebook as a method of therapy by neurotically scanning through pictures of people I barely know to find out who got fat from high school. Not only does this make me feel better about myself, but it’s a great way to meet others who also are soul searching in that great abyss of boredom and mediocrity.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I have this friend who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to go to local restaurants and scam as much free bread/chips/peanuts/ refills as possible. I try to tell him that these are locally owned businesses that are struggling just as much as he is, but he keeps insisting he’s socking it to the man and getting a great deal at the same time. To top it off, he’s a totally crappy tipper.

– Friend of Freeloading Fred

Dear FOFF,

In one sense I can sympathize with your friend, because I know what it’s like to wake up with peanuts stuffed in my pockets after an evening supporting one of my favorite local establishments. However, I always wake up penniless suggesting that I wasn’t too attached to my cash (or apparently my dignity). I agree that your friend needs to be taught a lesson in community etiquette because it is never acceptable in any shape or form to under tip your waitstaff even if he has been burned in the past, and is still paying child support to a toothless waitress in Omaha.

–Diver

Dear Diver,

After a winter of extreme shoveling, skiing and snowboarding, my body has taken a beating. What do you suggest as the best way to heal a sore back? My friends swear by chiropractors, but I think I might be more of the rolfing type. Suggestions?

– Jacked Up in Durango

Dear Jacked,

I, too, have been suffering from ailments caused by regular exercise. Examples include increased energy, toned muscles, a lower resting heart rate, increased self esteem, and altogether a more positive outlook on life. In order to combat this nasty little problem, I like to employ the concept taken directly from rolfing which focuses on healing the causes, not the symptoms. Luckily, for a fraction of the cost of a rolfing session, I have designed a strict daily regimen that if you adhere to, will have you off that fitness wagon in no time. First refrain from any type of activity that would increase your heart rate. This includes walking, changing the channel without a remote, or even standing for long periods of time. For the pain, alternate between whiskey gingers and PBRs. Before you know it, you will be pain free, energized and confident. When you feel that your body is ready, you can slowly incorporate slight amounts of cardio from the short trek between Orio’s and the Ranch. If possible, take the Buckhorn.

– You’re welcome friend, The Diver