Divers: Chelsea Gardner & Mike Rundle

Interesting fact: We live in a short bus and tent in the middle of nowhere with some great friends, one real cute dog and two goats, one for milking and one for s#!ts and giggles.

Dear Diver,

Whatever happened to the swine flu? Last year, we were all on the verge of porky death. This year, no one’s even talking about H1N1. Should I get vaccinated?

– Deborah, Bayfield

Dear Average Over-vaccinated ameriCAN!

 Vaccinations ... are you mad! I’m sorry to inform you, vaccines have been designed by our manipulative medical industry that spends billions of dollars on scam marketing as a ploy to turn the population into vaccine-sucking vampires! It’s a form of population control! Everyone who gets vaccinations will not have anywhere to hide and everything to run from! They will no longer be immune from viruses or disease. These over-vaccinated vampires will crave life, and people who choose to let their magical immune systems do the jobs will continue to go to the local dispensary and receive their daily doses of natural medicine.

– Yours truly, Supporter of H.R. 5843

Dear Diver,

My husband thinks we should spend our precious summer vacation time in New Mexico. Has he lost his mind? Just in case he gets his way, can the Diver recommend any pleasant attractions/diversions inside the 505?

– Isabelle, Durango

Well Isabelle,

Let’s start out by saying there is more to the great state to our south than meets the eye. If the world famous galleries of Santa Fe or the great tastes of Mexico-meets-American-Southwest is not pleasing enough, there is always Chaco Canyon or the Aztec ruins. But, wait, there’s more: UFO’s, the Carlsbad Caverns or the Trinity site could be interesting, as well as historic Silver City. If you feel like spending quality alone time, hit up the middle of nowhere. I know there is lots of that. I hope you and the hubby can find similar ground to tread upon and always remember, at least you’re not visiting Texas.

– Safe Travels, Diver

Dear Diver,

How are all of Durango’s marijuana dispensaries staying in business? Following my last trip through the Telegraph, I’m guessing there are now roughly a dozen storefronts serving “medicine” in La Plata County, outnumbering local grocery stores. Is everyone in Beverly Hills 81301 getting medicated or something?

– On the pharm in Durango

Yo Maaan!

Here’s the scoop about the nuggets tickets that are being passed around for medicinal purposes in this here town!

Homies around the community have discovered that mother mary jane

has a gnarly tasty wave to ride, especially when in pain, maan. Since most

Durangotangs participate in some form of risk-taking activity, medicating before, during or after an enduring activity with a large slice of sticky skunk pie gives most the happy ending they need. Not only is this miracle green heady for pain, but it also treats anorexia and cancer and doesn’t have the harsh side effects of many other drugs produced by that manipulative drug machine! The reason you may have not noticed all these proud stoners that make our town go-round is because there’s a new generation that has developed since the Hippie Era and that’s the Productive Stoner Era! We would be like to be the first to welcome you to our life and be aware, we are well equipped with Clear Eyes, incense and a bag of Funions! Hop on and enjoy the ride.

– Yours truly, Some folks from the productive stoner era

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation