A new lowdown on Snowdown

What a difference a few years can make. Seems like only yesteryear, we were donning our gladiator costumes and bemoaning our bad fortune under the blazing January sun. The snow-sculpture contest was axed, ski softball shelved and even The Sneer’s humor seemed drier than normal. In fact, it was so damned balmy, there was even talk of dropping the “s” and the “w” and calling it “No-down.”

Alas, the fickle winds of fun have shifted in our favor, and Snowdown has once again become a winter celebration worthy of its name. And now that the weather has agreed to cooperate, how about a few additions to this year’s line-up of events (with apologies to the Snowdown organizing committee, the Canadian Curling Association, anyone I may have blatantly stole ideas from and anybody else who takes the stupid stuff I write way too seriously):

• Subaru Stuffing: For the politically correct crowd who would rather take care of their business in the woods. The current unofficial record is 12 hippies, eight dogs, six bota bags and a couple unidentified pouches of homegrown “oregano.” First one to Spud Lake wins.

• Sidewalk Curling: 50 million Canadians can’t be wrong. Come find out why curling is the second fastest-growing winter spectator sport after ice fishing.

• Search for the Silver Klunker: Forget about the Silver Bullet, you’ll never find it in those Volkswagen-sized snowbanks anyway. Find the klunker before the battery dies or the City orange-tags it, and win all its contents (including all the cassette tapes, fast food wrappers and empty PBR cans your heart desires.)

• Icicle-joring: Like skijoring, but with a deadly jousting component. More fun than poking an eye out.

• Smellabration: As long as we’re growing facial and body hair, why not stop all forms of personal hygiene all together? Watch the ladies fall at your feet like flies when they get a whiff of your eau de mountain manliness. Maybe you and your polypropylene can walk away a winner at last.

• Hardly Angles: No pitch is too steep for Durango’s premiere precision roof shoveling team – all while off belay. Please, do not try this at home.

• Frozen Pole Dancing: We double-dog dare you. Not responsible for any appendages that may become stuck, or costs, pain or mental anguish associated with becoming “unstuck.”

• Parking Lot Leviathan: A zany winter take on summer’s popular demolition derby. Extra points awarded for hit and run. Qualifying round takes place at downtown Post Office branch. Finalists advance to South City Market.

• Getting Plowed: Contestants must drink whiskey from a dirty Sorel before firing up the Toro and negotiating a course through slippery city sidestreets and sidewalks. Extra points given for each car buried under a large, impermeable debris pile.

• Hypo-Fierce Gnar Gnar: Think you’ve got a hot bod? Try braving below-freezing temperatures while wearing nothing but a skimpy Spandex doily. Last one to pass out and turn blue before the Buzz Bus comes, wins.

• Tall Boys and Tall Tales: Watch as the heroic tales of epic backcountry adventure miraculously grow with each swig of Bud. Special division for powder day hooky excuses.

• Brazilian Bump-off: Bust out the one-piece and backscratchers and take a waxing on Durango’s newest in-town bump run. No fat skis or sissies allowed.

• Hash House Hurriers: A revival of the foot race of years past but with a new “twist.” In lieu of trail running, this year’s race will take runners on a top-secret tour of Durango’s newest industry. Must have doctor’s note to participate.

• Yak-Trak Olympics: Leap over tall snowbanks, navigate icy death sidewalks, fjord small lakes, avoid being run over by large trucks and walk the dog – all without breaking a hip – on this wacky downtown obstacle course.

• Parking Spot Scavenger Hunt: Ignite that primitive hunter instinct as you search in vain for a semi-decent spot somewhere near your house before the groceries go bad in the back seat. Extra points for creative use of sidewalks. Four-wheel drive a must.

• Snot Rocket Launch: Who’s afraid of a little swine flu? You scientific types can let the good times fly in this test of sinus-voiding skill. Points awarded based on accuracy, distance and trajectory.

• The Fall-ies: Who needs staged skits when all the entertainment you need is right outside your front door? Use of rock salt strictly prohibited.

• Couch Surfing: In the spirit of this year’s theme, it’s the morning-after event for times when it’s too snowy/cold/treacherous/bright and sunny to go outdoors. Prize awarded to the person who can recite the most lines from “The Hangover” while scoring the hidden stash of sofa pizza.

– Missy Votel