Diver,

My friends don’t want to hear another word about Angie (not her real name), and they’re telling me to get over her. Like it’s that easy! She has been my imaginary lover for three and a half years. She treated me like dirt most of the time, but when I wanted her she was always there. But in August (not a real month) she said she’d “had it up to here” and walked out on me. One insensitive dolt asked me why I didn’t just imagine another lover, “someone nicer,” as if love meant nothing! I want her back! What can I do?

– Broken Toy, via snail mail

Dear Broke it off,

Angie (you don’t want to know her name for you) treated you like dirt because she got tired of being stuffed under the bed with your dirty socks and holey underwear. Plus, you only liked dating her when you were drunk. Who wants sloppy drunk sex as the only kind you can get? Oh, and the line “when I wanted her” tells me you weren’t really into her feelings, wants and desires. Selfish jerk. And that insensitive dolt? He’s got a new girl, and I believe her name is Patches.  

– Sincerely, No more O face for you!

My husband recently proposed a romantic, child-free getaway – a night in a snow cave. How should I let him down easy and tell him he might be a little off-base?

– Getting Cold Feet in Durango

Dear Frigid to Be,

My question to you is, if it’s romantic in a snow cave, just how cold is it in your bedroom? What does this guy do to woo you? Throw snowballs? He needs to learn that snow’s not an aphrodisiac. You want a fun, child-free getaway? Have him take the kids to the snow fort and you go shopping and to the spa. He’ll learn the meaning of cold, spend quality time with the kids, you get a kid free weekend and some “me time.” At least one of you will get what you want, and that’s a good thing! Happy New Year!

– Sincerely, The Diver

Dear Diver,

With the decade now officially behind us, my friends and I have a burning question. What contribution did the aughts make to global fashion? We’ve dug as deeply as possible and come up mainly empty. Other than foam trucker caps and below-the-butt pants, what did the last decade give us?

– Fashionable yours, Durango Darla

Darling Darla,

I’m afraid you’ve got me there. I’m not much of a fashionista myself, so I’m going out on a limb here. Most of the things I want to list here make me want to vomit.

- Uggs boots. Even you can wear a cocker spaniel on your feet.

- Crocs. They ARE edible, so if all of us take a pair home and boil it up, we just may be able to rid the world of them.

-Spanx. Now even 60-year-old women can have the behind of a teen-ager. Too bad they don’t make full body suits.

-Leggings (again!) Letting chunky girls think the cellulite won’t show through.

- The Snuggie. Rumor has it that a stoner put his robe on backwards and his dad said, “cool” and next thing you know, they’re everywhere. You can even get them for a dog. I wonder if you can get one for Angie (not her real name).

– Sincerely, The Diver.