Dear Diver,

I couldn’t help but notice that the Olympic torches resembled giant burning joints/spliffs this year. Are the Canadians and Vancouverites trying to tell the world something?

– Little Smoky, Durango

Dear Little Smokies (which are delicious by the way),

What isn’t Canada trying to tell the world ... pushing their Socialist agenda on us!  Could you imagine it, free health care? Or, god forbid, having more access to be able to smoke or eat marijuana as one’s medicine! I heard that they actually have maternity leave for up to 12 months so that the new mama can bond with her baby! And then there is their obvious ability to chill out via Olympic torches! Those bastards ... those happy, content, and relaxed bastards!

– Just Go On and Toke Up Already, The Diver

Dear Diver,

Check out this riches-to-rags tale. One minute, I’m Durango royalty and riding high in my Toyota Tundra. The next, I’m one of millions of recalled Americans and the butt of my friends’ accelerator/floormat jokes. How should I handle my fall from grace? More importantly, what should I do to get even with my Subaru-driving pals?

– Gardener, via e-mail

Dear Gardener,

So the key to Durango Royalty is being wealthy enough to purchase a Tundra? I had no idea! And I’ve been under the impression that being a good person, a loving friend, and satisfied with the simple things is what makes a person truly rich. How could I have been in the dark this whole time? I feel so foolish and out of the loop! Thank you Gardener!  Thank you for showing me the true meaning of happiness. To get back at your smug friends, I suggest you drive or tow your Tundra back to New Country and get the recalled piece of equipment removed and replaced. Then stop whining ... that should show them.

– Get Over Yourself, The Diver who used to live in her 1980 station wagon

Dear Diver,

With tax season coming up, I am wondering whether or not I can claim my dog as a tax deduction. He costs a small fortune, holds down the fort when I’m at work and seems very dependent on me the majority of the time.

– Skeeter’s best friend

Dear Skeeter’s BFF,

I feel that as a pastry chef/ prep cook I’m unqualified to answer your question. So I asked my friend Greg for help. He is not an accountant but he used to sell insurance for State Farm, therefore he is my go-to for all of life’s complicated questions. He says, and I quote, “I haven’t worried about paying my taxes ever since I started hiding all of my money offshore. You also might want to look into getting your dog a diploma from an online university. This doesn’t have anything to do with your tax problem, but I’ve always felt that it would be friggin’ awesome to have a dog with a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice or something badass like that. Also you might want to consider forming a LLC, I hear people say that s*** all the time. It may or may not help, but at least you’ll sound like a douche-bag.”

– Hope this Helps, The Diver, ghost written by Greg Vadnais