Dear Diver,

What are your opinions on having children? My wife and I are still enjoying our freedom, catching late night shows and making trips to exotic locales. But most of our close friends are either expecting or changing diapers. Is it time for us to get on the baby train?

– Dave, Durango

Dearest Dave,

As advocates against the breeder revolution, we would suggest not even trying to make it to the baby-train station on time. Much like our local locomotive nuisance, the baby-train is obnoxious and makes itself heard at odd hours of the night. Like Silverton during the lunch hour in the summer season, this world is crowded with enough frothing, crazed people that can’t quite get a grip. People ‘round the world, hop aboard the love train, go to Asia and adopt a kid…if you really have the desire to live without any personal freedom. We, meanwhile, can be found with our pants around our ankles near the 32nd Street bridge showing the unfortunate train passengers how bright the moon does shine in Durango.

–Divers

Dear Diver,

When does the City of Durango deem it appropriate to declare a “snow emergency?” My street is a “snow route” and it hasn’t been plowed since late in 2009. Just what constitutes a snow emergency anyway?

– Still Buried in Durango

Poor still buried,

The only real snow emergency is when there isn’t enough. Yet either way people are complaining. However, based on current conditions, the City has forgotten that Durango is indeed in Colorado and despite so-called climate change, it still snows (and rains) here. When multiple roofs start caving in and avalanches run through your living room, then maybe it is time to raise the emergency flag. Just be thankful you don’t live in Haiti. And if it really matters to you, then move back to Boulder with your Toyota Tacoma and quit whining.  

– Divers

Dear Diver,

Is it humane to have my dog’s vocal chords snipped? He’s a barker and beginning to drive my friends, family, neighbors and co-workers crazy. Can you offer any solutions other than major surgery?

– Spot’s best friend, via e-mail

Dear “alleged” Spot’s best friend,

How can you claim to be your canine’s companion and consider doing such a wretched thing to him (or her)? Disgraceful. If your best human friend cackled like Fran Drescher would you threaten to cut out her vocal chords or put her through some shock collar laughter treatment? Any conscious homo sapien knows that they are responsible for the demeanor of their dog. Maybe you should shape up and shut up, and your dog will follow suit.

– Divers