Dear Diver,

My good friend Cheryl is 23 and thinks she’s finally found true love. There’s one problem – her new beau is 49. I know it can work, but it just feels wrong and kinda gross. Where does the Diver stand – youth and beauty or wisdom and bucks?

– Trying to mind my own biz in Durango

Dear C**K Blocker,

There’s nothing wrong with choosing financial security over a tight six pack. That 20-year-old’s 6 pack will all too soon multiply into a 30 pack of Old Style. For most of us, physical beauty peaks in the late 20s at best, so look at your friend like a free-agent shortstop coming off of the best year of her career. Cheryl should be looking for that lucrative long-term contract, so she’s all set when the wheels come off in her 30s and she can’t hit that 90 mph fastball anymore. Still, if you think sabotage is the best course of action, just start dropping comments about Cheryl’s handsome dad. Once she draws the comparison and realizes that her boyfriend could be one of her dad’s drinking buddies, my bet is that he won’t be along on too many more girls’ nights.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

In the world of Disney, what makes Pluto a dog-dog and Goofy a man-dog. They’re the same animal, but one’s a pet and one’s a man. What was Walt thinking?

– Clint, Durango

Dear comic book guy,

It’s a little known fact that Pluto was originally created as Mickey’s four-legged friend for the cult 1930s animated short “Tyrolean Tracker” in which Mickey dons a coonskin cap and goes on a manhunt to root out fascists hiding in the Bavarian Alps. It was Pluto’s keen sense of smell for pork, sauerkraut and potatoes that made him a perfect hunting companion and trapped him in Walt’s canine world forever.

Goofy on the other hand was created when Mickey needed a golfing buddy in the less controversial release of a promotional short for the fledgling PGA entitled “Get Your Hands Off My Ascot!” In those misogynistic times, Minnie wasn’t allowed in the Country Club. As for Pluto, have you ever tried to swing a golf club without the use of your thumbs? Clarabelle Cow with a 7-iron? Worst idea ever.  

– Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s your take on the old maxim, “If it’s yellow let it melow. If it’s brown flush it down.”My husband’s yellow just mellowed during our entireThanksgiving vacation, and my house smells like year-old Coors. Please supply me with a little ammo for the next time he plays the water conservation card.

– Wifey, via e-mail

Dear Flo,

I would be careful in pushing your water conserving husband too far. I agree that there is a definite time limit to the mellowing process of yellow. But, if you discourage the mellow yellow method and he is truly committed to the art of water conservation, you’d be surprised at how many other options, that require little or no water usage, a typical home will present an industrious person with a full bladder. Showers and sinks are an obvious target. Definitely watch out for any large potted plants (or groups of smaller ones for that matter). Live Christmas tree for the holidays? Say goodbye to that pine fresh aroma. And a final note: be aware of the disappearance of glass jars and plastic bottles from your recycling bins. Nothing good can come from a urine collection…

– Keeping it real mellow, The Diver