Diver: Kenny B, KSUT ops & programming drector  

Interesting facts:Kenny B has been voraciously foraging the woods around Durango for anything he can eat in preparation for a long, snowy winter.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

What are your thoughts on online dating? I’m ready to stop squandering my talent at Durango’s watering holes and start shopping for a meaningful relationship. Can I find it in cyberspace?

– Looking for love in all the wrong places

Dear “Looking for love in all the wrong places,”

Thanks a lot. You’ve successfully implanted that ol’ Johnny Lee tune in my head for the rest of the day. How am I supposed to help you out with your dilemma with images of Bud hanging out at Gilley’s all lit-up on Lone Stars and Sissy riding that mechanical bull … not to mention Uncle Bob’s belt buckle? Yikes, I can’t even think straight now but I’ll give it a whirl, or maybe a waltz.

Do you realize how much money you’ve wasted buying drinks for Durango divorcees “hopin’ to find a friend and a lover?” You know that “single bars and good time lovers were never true.” Ahhrrgh, look what you’ve done!

Quick, get to eharmony.com or singlesnet.com now. It’ll only cost you a fraction of what you’ve spent on cosmos and fuzzy navels. Or maybe you were one of those cheapskates who always

waited for someone to buy YOU a drink. In that case, go to craigslist.com, it’s free. With online dating you have the luxury of finding someone with the same personality, interests and twisted perversions as you, without buying them a drink. Online dating is here to stay! Be careful though, sometimes the photo you see isn’t really them, and sometimes the stuff they say isn’t really true, and sometimes it could even be a man pretending to be a woman… on second thought, does the Wild Horse Saloon have a mechanical bull?

– Diver

Dearest Diver,  

Word on the street is that Durangotangs used to be witty and/or clever and/or unashamed to show it in theTelegraph’s “Word on the Street.” Why have there been so many serious and mundane answers recently? Can the D-man inspire us D-monkeys with some words of encouragement?

– Crapfully yours, Chet

Chet,

First of all, have a little respect for the Diver. This advice ain’t cheap, especially for someone with a holier than thou, cynical attitude like yours.

Looking over last month’s “Word on the Street” makes me ponder. Is the problem mundane answers or mundane questions? Maybe it’s both. Mundaneness begets mundaneness. I mean, “What was your most memorable school lunch?” How witty and creative can you get with that? Or, “What are you doing to stimulate the economy?” OK, that could have solicited some clever responses, but when you put someone on the spot like that, then take

their photo and expect them to be witty in a matter of minutes, well that’s a lot to expect of the average Durangotang.

Perhaps theTelegraph needs to catch Word on the Street victims as they leave one of the numerous “dispensaries” in town, especially with that “stimulate the economy” question. Then you might hear some witty and clever responses … well, maybe not so clever, but at least they wouldn’t be so mundane.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with me and everyoen I know getting hammered with solicitation calls? I thought our friends in Washington, D.C., took care of this years ago, and yet nearly all of my rings come from Mumbai?

– Ralph, Hermosa

Dear Ralphy Ol’ Boy,

You said a mouthful! Now can you repeat that in broken English?

I continue to get these calls, at home AND on my cell phone. Even if the calls are legit, I can’t understand a thing they are saying.

Friends in Washington, D.C? That’s an oxymoron. My “Washington, D.C., friends” were the biggest intruders of my phone line last month. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can legally do about it. We tried before, and the lawmakers promised, but now they’re the biggest offenders. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Right? So if you really want to get some vengeance, pack up and move to Mumbai where the jobs are plentiful and pay quite well. Just brush up on your unintelligible muttering first.

– Diver

  

In this week's issue...

May 2, 2019
In the flow

Rafting season is already under way on the Animas River, which has been flowing at near record levels and almost double the average rate for this time of year.

April 25, 2019
Laying down the law

Over the past couple decades, Jeff Robbins’ work as an  oil and gas lawyer – with a specific focus on serving local communities – allowed him to build relationships and gain the experience needed to carry out one of Colorado’s most sweeping reforms to oil and gas regulations, Senate Bill 181. 

April 18, 2019
A new kind of cold war

It’s a good thing Heidi Steltzer can’t tolerate the heat or the open ocean. “I thought I wanted to be a marine biologist, and I got seasick,” said Steltzer, a professor in the Biology Department and Environmental Science program at Fort Lewis College.