Dear Diver,

What are your thoughts on online dating? I’m ready to stop squandering my talent at Durango’s watering holes and start shopping for a meaningful relationship. Can I find it in cyberspace?

– Looking for love in all the wrong places

Dear “Looking for love in all the wrong places,”

Thanks a lot. You’ve successfully implanted that ol’ Johnny Lee tune in my head for the rest of the day. How am I supposed to help you out with your dilemma with images of Bud hanging out at Gilley’s all lit-up on Lone Stars and Sissy riding that mechanical bull … not to mention Uncle Bob’s belt buckle? Yikes, I can’t even think straight now but I’ll give it a whirl, or maybe a waltz.

Do you realize how much money you’ve wasted buying drinks for Durango divorcees “hopin’ to find a friend and a lover?” You know that “single bars and good time lovers were never true.” Ahhrrgh, look what you’ve done!

Quick, get to eharmony.com or singlesnet.com now. It’ll only cost you a fraction of what you’ve spent on cosmos and fuzzy navels. Or maybe you were one of those cheapskates who always

– Diver

Dearest Diver,  

Word on the street is that Durangotangs used to be witty and/or clever and/or unashamed to show it in theTelegraph’s “Word on the Street.” Why have there been so many serious and mundane answers recently? Can the D-man inspire us D-monkeys with some words of encouragement?

– Crapfully yours, Chet

Chet,

First of all, have a little respect for the Diver. This advice ain’t cheap, especially for someone with a holier than thou, cynical attitude like yours.

Looking over last month’s “Word on the Street” makes me ponder. Is the problem mundane answers or mundane questions? Maybe it’s both. Mundaneness begets mundaneness. I mean, “What was your most memorable school lunch?” How witty and creative can you get with that? Or, “What are you doing to stimulate the economy?” OK, that could have solicited some clever responses, but when you put someone on the spot like that, then take

Perhaps theTelegraph needs to catch Word on the Street victims as they leave one of the numerous “dispensaries” in town, especially with that “stimulate the economy” question. Then you might hear some witty and clever responses … well, maybe not so clever, but at least they wouldn’t be so mundane.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with me and everyoen I know getting hammered with solicitation calls? I thought our friends in Washington, D.C., took care of this years ago, and yet nearly all of my rings come from Mumbai?

– Ralph, Hermosa

Dear Ralphy Ol’ Boy,

You said a mouthful! Now can you repeat that in broken English?

I continue to get these calls, at home AND on my cell phone. Even if the calls are legit, I can’t understand a thing they are saying.

Friends in Washington, D.C? That’s an oxymoron. My “Washington, D.C., friends” were the biggest intruders of my phone line last month. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can legally do about it. We tried before, and the lawmakers promised, but now they’re the biggest offenders. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Right? So if you really want to get some vengeance, pack up and move to Mumbai where the jobs are plentiful and pay quite well. Just brush up on your unintelligible muttering first.

– Diver