Dear Diver,

Is the Taliban really training monkeys and baboons to go into battle against American troops? I saw the report on Fox News and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. What’s next, special ops goldfish? Should I start avoiding pet stores, zoos and circuses or just stop watching Fox News?

– Holly in the Homeland

Holly,

Frankly, I’d create a nice balance. “Fair and Balanced” means an equal amount of time spent in pet stores, zoos and the circus in addition to an equal amount of news delivered from and to the right, and from and to the left. There is of course, nothing like being part of the choir these people need to speak to. Listen to the right closely. They point fingers and tattle tale. Now listen to the left. Aren’t they doing the same thing? Yes they are! Or are you from the camp that supports free speech as long as the people doing the speaking say things you agree with? Otherwise they preach hate, don’t they? Of course they do! Here’s a thought Holly. Liberate yourself from it all – the NFL, Boston Market, and the news. You’re an adult, I think. Form your own opinions, your own paranoia, and your own ideas about what you want to believe, like and hate.  You’ll be a better person for it.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m concerned. My neighbor appears to be overmedicating. He smokes his medicine at least six times per day, and it doesn’t seem like his sore back and anxiety are improving. Tell me Diver, can there be such a thing as too much wellness?

– Puffy the clown

Puffy,

I think you, I mean your “friend,” should stop going tubing down the river with the other hippies and smoking all of your “medical marijuana” before you get “addicted.” The ways around anxiety and back pain are not found from hippie speedballs. However, they are found from excessive overeating and medicating with good-old-fashioned mother’s little helpers, which can be found in your grandmother’s medicine cabinet.  

But to answer your questions. Too much wellness?  I’m not sure I have time to answer, I’m too busy watching Fritz the Cat.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I was eating my sandwich the other day and hit what seemed to

– Melissa, via email  

Melissa,

It’s simple.  Sounds to me like you are addicted to medicinal marijuana.  Clean up and you’ll avoid those mistakes.

–Diver