Diver:George D.  

Interesting fact:Mother: The elusive Unicorn. Father: A bear. The end result is the most ferocious and beautiful man-boy to ever roam the earth. Daily diving duties include washing the crime from the dark streets of Durango and challenging Texans to fisticuffs bouts. Crime may or may not be dishes in a kitchen sink. Texans may or may not be a pillow with a poorly-drawn, angry face pinned to it.

Dear Diver,

I’m thinking about taking up road bicycling. What’s the difference between lycra and spandex? I’ve heard both terms batted around and am confused. Wasn’t spandex a 1980s jazzercise thing? Please help. I don’t want to be the only geek on the group ride.

– Donna, via e-mail

Donna (via e-mail),

If you’re getting hung up on lycra and spandex, you should probably ditch the whole road bike scene and get a fixie. Everyone riding those is a geek anyway, so you’ll fit right in. Got a pair of jeans? Cut them off at the knees and you’ll be rockin’ some sweet cutoffs. How’s your eyesight? Trick question, it doesn’t matter! Buy a pair of black, thick-rimmed frames and start complaining how nobody “gets” you. Bonus points for being a pretentious d-bag when it comes to obscure indie bands and art.

– Diver

BTW: I totally ride a fixie

Dear Diver,

This is a strange one. My husband recently started wetting the bed (at age 42). He claims that he’s sleeping too deeply to make it to the bathroom, but I think something else might be going on. Bob did recently switch to light beer (oops, did I just use his real name). What are the Diver’s thoughts? Rubber sheets just aren’t an option.

– Deep under the covers in Durango

Dear Deep Under Cover,

I shortened your name because it sounds better and now you’re a spy ... probably Russian, definitely sexy, and totally into skinny, 20-something-year-old dudes with the body of a 10-year-old. You’re an ultra-cougar. You know what? That’s your new name.

Dear Ultra-Cougar, I’ve totally lost interest in your question, as it has been replaced by my personal fantasy. My roommate said something about a rubber suit in lieu of sheets, so you should probably roll with that.

–  My love, Diver.

Dear Diver,

Is Brett Favre really retiring from professional football? Please say it isn’t so. Is this really the end of one of the sport’s most enduring legacies? Can’t we expect another comeback? Or should we start looking for the QB on the outside of a Cheez It box?

–Green Bay Viking

Green Bay Viking,

In the immortal words of LL Cool J: “Don’t call it a comeback, I never left.”

Let’s talk about the Minnesota Vikings though. What a terrible name. When was the last time the Vikings pillaged anything and made off with your women? All signs point to NEVER. I’m willing to bet they never even offer a prayer up to Odin before a game to smite their opponents with lightning. Worst. Team. Ever.

Green Bay on the other hand ... that’s one I can get behind. He should go back to them, where things make sense. And no, I’m not going to explain that reasoning.Back to your question: Who cares??? If you spend this much time worrying over whether or not a player retires, you might as well be keeping up with the whole Brangelina thing. (Can you say DRRRRAAAAAMA? What does he see in her anyway?)

– Go Broncos, Diver

                                                                

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

In this week's issue...

May 2, 2019
In the flow

Rafting season is already under way on the Animas River, which has been flowing at near record levels and almost double the average rate for this time of year.

April 25, 2019
Laying down the law

Over the past couple decades, Jeff Robbins’ work as an  oil and gas lawyer – with a specific focus on serving local communities – allowed him to build relationships and gain the experience needed to carry out one of Colorado’s most sweeping reforms to oil and gas regulations, Senate Bill 181. 

April 18, 2019
A new kind of cold war

It’s a good thing Heidi Steltzer can’t tolerate the heat or the open ocean. “I thought I wanted to be a marine biologist, and I got seasick,” said Steltzer, a professor in the Biology Department and Environmental Science program at Fort Lewis College.