Diver:  Andrew, formerly of a lot of places, sadly Durango now numbers among them.

Interesting facts: Andrew is strongly considering getting gluteus implants.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I have joint dog custody with my ex-boyfriend. It’s been working out fine for the past three years, but lately his new girlfriend is being difficult about it, which in turn could start limiting my multi-day trips on the river. I think it’s only a matter of time before the new girlfriend is the old girlfriend, but until then … how do I make nice so he can take the dog?

– Dgo dog owner


What is the deal with dog-custody? Dogs are not children. However, my wife has let me know in no uncertain terms that should we no longer be together, she would get the dog. That’s fine with me. He’s smelly, he drools, and he gets the sheets dirty. That being said, our relationship will probably last at least seven to 10 more years because I can’t help but love his saggy jowls, abbreviated legs and droopy ears (basset hound). So, I know where you are coming from. The problem is, the dog doesn’t know you’re pining for it. Get a new dog and let your ex move on with his life. I fear the situation is creepily claustrophobic in an already small town. Even if your ex and his “new you” will not be together long, I have to side with her, because it’s got to be awkward for you to be around all the time. The problem here is bigger than the dog. Offer to dog-sit when necessary, and be happy for whatever paws-on time you get, but you’ve got to be the grown-up and walk away.

– Your Personal Bearer of Bad News

Dear Diver,

What’s up with people who insist on backing their car/truck into parking spaces? Am I missing something?

– Front end first in Durango


They are bank robbers, prepping for a quick getaway. Either that or too much free time. One way or another it’s suspicious. I’d alert the authorities.

– The Crime Diver

Oh Wise and Knowledgeable Diver,

I’m not a genius, but this time of year I am smart enough to run puncture-resistant tires on my bicycle. I also realize that my ride may get dirty when I move well onto the shoulder to avoid getting run over. So why is it that the weight weenies don’t get this? Why do there seem to be so many cyclists who would rather get knocked off by a white truck than move over and get a rock chip in their clear coat or puncture their high thread-count tires?

– A Living Dirtbag

Dear Sir or Madame,

Oh, Em, Gee! I was totally worried about this just the other day. That is to say, I was thinking about making material possessions last longer because the economy is in the toilet – even though they keep telling me we’re in recovery. I think that all the recent earthquakes are a sign that we are in the hand basket awaiting departure. Anyway, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I do not know what is going on in the heads of cyclists. Bicycles are passé. We’ve had the technology to move without expending insane amounts of energy for some time. The internal combustion engine is my friend. (The “Wankel Rotary Engine” is my favorite, though. Say it with me, “Wankel.” It’s almost as fun as “winkle” which, for the sakes of space and decency, we will not get into here.) The “weight weenies,” as you call them, seem to be … you know. Space and decency be damned. Everybody knows what a “winkle” is, right? If you don’t, I’m going to tell you. It’s a senior citizen’s orgy. It is also the only word in recent memory whose utterance will not fail to make me smile. I’m assuming it’s a sort of key-party thing, but with an AARP card – but that’s just a guess. I’m also thinking that winkles are why seniors have the highest occurrence of HIV. It’s either that or the ’70s. At any rate, it’s one of the few things that have me pumped to grow old. Early bird specials and yelling at kids on my lawn are the other two. Oh yeah, cycling. Do whatever you want. It’s a free country. Live and let live. Help them up if they get knocked down and be happy it wasn’t you.

– One Excited Diver

In this week's issue...

July 21, 2022
Wildlife success or deal with the devil?

Land swap approved in Southwest Colorado, but not without detractors

July 21, 2022
Tapping out

The latest strategy to save the San Luis Valley's shrinking aquifer: paying farmers not to farm

July 14, 2022
Hey, good environmental news

Despite SCOTUS ruling, San Juan Generating Station plans to shut down