Dear Diver,

What’s the difference between a Friday Afternoon Club and a Friday After Work Club? I’ve noticed that two watering holes are hosting the events at the same approximate time with the same approximate entertainment. Where should I go to get my fix?

– Member of the Unemployed on Fridays Club

Dear Member,

First of all, if you’re unemployed, aren’t you technically supposed to be drinking alone in the dark in your basement? But I suppose if you need to get out of the house after a long week of Judge Judy, QVC and Facebook quizzes, hands down, attend a Friday Afternoon Club meeting. I think the key element here is the time of day.You can either drink with people who are skipping out of work on a Friday or with those who just have finished up their weekly drudgery. It’s been my experience that an after-work happy hour rarely delivers on said promise. Who wants to sit around and listen to a bunch of people bitch about their lame JOBS? I would surmise that the scene might be a bit wearing on a person who wasn’t gainfully employed.

Honestly, now that I think about it, if you’re available (and I assume you are) make the world a better place, go to a “Friday After Work Club” or two and show those 9-to-5-ers how to do it up properly.  

– Diver

Dear Diver,

A bunch of my buddies are registered for the Singlespeed World Championships next week, and let’s just say they’re a little lumpy. My 40-year-old, soccer mom neighbor is even riding. What gives? Am I missing something? These are the world championships, right?

– Lance, via e-mail

Listen Lance,

I grew up in the Midwest where the land is flatter than a day-old beer. Even in the middle of the prairie, people find it useful to have more than one speed on a bike. So, I admittedly know very little about this whole world championship, but if anyone is masochistic enough to want to climb mountain trails on an engineered cruiser bike, chubby or not, more power to them. If I were a participant, it would be little more than a guy taking his bike for a walk. These fanatics have some serious cojones. Why don’t you cut these singlespeeders some slack and let them enjoy their peculiar pleasures. For those riders with lumpy cojones, or a Midwestern pedigree, let’s hope the beer and paramedics are enough to revive them. And who knows, your neighbor might actually be the one coming home with that fresh tattoo.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m still in the sub-40 age group but am already having trouble sleeping at night. I always go down at the usual time but then always wake up at 3 a.m., bright-eyed and ready to go.  What suggestions does the Diver have for a blissful night of zzzzs? I’d rather not get on the Ambien train (although sleep-walk sex does sound OK).  

– Sleepless on Seventh St.

Dear Sleepless,

A few suggestions:

1. Have you tried alcohol? Usually when I wake up in the middle of the night it’s because I’ve got the crushing burdens of life weighing upon my weary mind. Nothing has quite the soporific effect like a few nips of grandpa’s cough medicine. If you really work at it, you are guaranteed a night of sleep that will at least be complete in its duration, if not restful.

2. Perhaps you are waking up because you are stuck behind a desk or are busy warming your couch cushions for the better part of a day. Either way, your body is trying to tell you something – get up off your ass and do something. Maybe you should try riding one of those aforementioned singlespeeds up Horse Gulch.

3. Why not just go with it. If you’re up, you’re up; write the Great American Novel or something.

4. As far as sleep-walk sex is concerned, I’m troubled to think that some type of comatose coitus would be an improvement. Might I suggest making a more serious effort to score a little lovin’ prior to the catnap; the exercise and that satisfying feeling that all is finally right with the world might actually be the only remedy you need.

– Diver