Dear Diver,

I hate to admit this, but I’ve lived in Durango for three years and barely left the city limits. My parents are coming to town this weekend in search of autumn splendor. Where’s the best place to take the Virginians for a little leaf looking?

-Mark via e-mail

Dear Mark My Words Get Off You @$$ and at Least Open a Window,

First off … three years and you never noticed the seasons in Durango? We have only three seasons here, fall, winter and road construction … and fall lasts two weeks. Our best advice to you is to acquire a time machine, click your heels together and zap yourselves back about three weeks, because right now our best colors are orange … just look for a road work zone. Our local breweries are sporting some truly colorful labels as well, or visit one of our four medical dispensaries in town. I don’t know how colorful the leaves are, but the buds are magnificent this time of year. Don’t forget to hold your breath…’ til next year.

- Divers Against Homebodies That Don’t Deserve Durango Oxygen

Dear Diver,

I missed the early bird boat this year and currently have no ski pass.  Does the diver have any pointers for scoring a ticket to ride this season without paying the price?  BTW, I get more and more desperate every time I see snow on the La Platas.  Please answer quickly.

-Purgatory Bound, via e-mail

Dear Purgatory Bound,

The Early Bird gets the cheaper ski pass – everyone else buys skins. Cancel that Rec. Center Pass for the winter, because you are a hiking fool! On the bright side, your lungs will be in great shape for your next birthday cake. If you are not so inclined, I would find a low friend in a high place (Purgatory). Or you could volunteer for Adaptive Sports where “no good deed goes unpunished.” I hear you can get a “day for a day” just make sure you can ride faster than they can on your “day off.”

-Put Up Some Volunteer Time or Shut Up and Pay

Dear Diver,

After several years in a profession very similar to your own, I think I’m ready to go back to school.  What career path would the diver recommend? A little loot would be nice but I’m most interested in finding a “fulfilling” career.

-Nearly Done in Durango

Dear Nearly Done in Durango,

I’ve been working at a liquor store for 11 years now, so let me know if YOU know what to do with my BA in BS (FLC calls it a Humanities degree)…but you should get a degree so you are not a TOTAL quitter,  then start doing something you love to do. If you can get paid for it too, you are ahead of most of us. I hear the fast food industry has flexible hours and shift meals. Plus, if you’re not the dumbest on the crew you’ll rarely “dive.”  Just stay away from stripping, unless you are truly qualified.

-Sold Our Souls to Live in Durango