Divers:Todd Flemion, Chinese Medicine Guy

Interesting facts:Todd is famous for being on the receiving end of Bruce Lee’s 1-inch punch.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

 

Dear Diver,

The recession’s been knocking at the door here at the homedale, and I’ve found myself coming up a little short on occasion. Is it morally wrong to “borrow” money out of your kid’s piggybank? Or is Santa watching, making his list and checking it twice? I’m pretty sure I put the money there in the first place, and I promise to repay it … someday. 

– Feeling Dirty in Durango

Dear Dirty,

Your child’s age is indeed a factor. If he/she is 40, probably not fair to steal any funds. If the kid can count but isn’t paying attention, then heck yeah. Santa needs help and will replenish savings when the economy recovers. If caught, you could say Santa left a note explaining the need for gas money in trying times with reindeer layoffs and all ... give a little, take a little. For the next 11 months, you and your offspring can write letters to Santa asking for a piggy bank refill and an end to the recession.

– Diver

 

Dear Diver,

I’ve noticed that a couple of Durango’s medical marijuana dispensaries have embraced a liberal use of grammar. Neither “Natures Own Medicine” nor “Natures Wellness” seem to be keen on the apostrophe. Am I missing something here? Or is this some kind of smoker’s code?

– Mary Jane, via e-mail

Dear Mary,

If you’re worried about punctuation, then you’re missing the point of nature’s fine offerings. Bob Marley wasn’t reading signs looking for grammatical errors in his spare time. Such habits paint a glorious picture of someone who could use some of “natures medicine.” OCD is a treatable condition at said clinic along with many other ailments like Republicanism. It seems most of you Obama haters looking for holes in health plans and missing apostrophes are really soul searching for answers to questions like the existential crisis posed by famous mary jane worshiper Steven Wright: “Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?” Some things will forever remain a mystery. As I see it, those apostrophes are indeed there for those willing to look. I can see them all the way from here.

– Diver

 

Dear Diver

What are your suggestions for delicious, vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner alternatives? I’ve recently gone off the flesh and wouldn’t mind deceiving my meat-loving relatives.

– Destiny, Bayfield

P.S. I tried Tofurkey during my last vegetarian stint, and it didn’t work.

Dear Destiny, 

I think I speak for all meat eaters when saying that the succulent juices of a slow cooked fowl are carnivorously delicious as well as patriotic. When invited to share the gratitude of nature’s bounty with others, the expectation is to ride the tryptophan train straight to sleepy town whilst watching football on your couch. You should keep in mind that nothing replaces the texture of perfectly seasoned muscle, so your family will not be conned only disappointed. After all, the native peoples of this fine country didn’t befriend us pilgrims with textured vegetable protein. So if you are not going to roast a beast then have the courtesy to warn your guests so they may bring their own. Your vegan choices are not your family’s cross to bear, so grab that tempeh sandwich with tofunaise and don’t forget the Bean-o, hippie.

– Diver

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation