Dear Diver,

Please help! I registered for the Iron Horse in January, the days have flown by, and I’m far from ready for the big day. Let’s just say I’ve done more tapering than training this year. So here goes, please give me an ultimate, last-minute tip for getting to Silverton (and maybe even beating the train). Bear in mind that I’ll only have 48 hours from the time your answer hits the streets and I hit the pavement.

– Pedaling for my life in Durango

Dear Pedal Pusher:

I hear that fear is a great motivator. I have a simple suggestion. Since you now have only 48 hours to gear up for the race, you must resort to means other than physical endurance. In 48 hours you should be able to engineer a platform to place your bicycle on, that has runners that would conveniently fit between narrow gauge railroad tracks. You would then place this platform directly in front of the train, and at about 6 a.m. on race day (early, early bird start, just for you) start pedaling. You’ll either get to Silverton way ahead of the train, or the train will catch you and push you to Silverton. Either way, you’ll cross the finish line in front of the train, or at least parts of you will. Good Luck!

– Sincerely, No Sympathy for You!

Dear Diver,

My wife and I have some frequent flier miles that are about to expire and need to pull together a quick trip. Our stockpile is only big enough to fly inside the Continental U.S. and Mexico, and we’d rather not blow our 401Ks when we get there. Any suggestions for a dream trip on a budget?

– Don in Durango

Dear Donzi:

You have frequent flier miles and KNOW that you can use them? You have something left in your 401K? AND you’re coming to me for advice? OK, my advice is to shut the hell up. Sincerely, and yes I mean sincerely, shut the hell up.

– Diver

P.S. Is this some sort of a Ponzi scheme, Donzi? Or is your name Madoff?

Dear Diver,

What’s up with everyone complaining about those of us who spray a little weed killer? Free country, right? Plus, the government has tested this stuff up and down. As far as I can tell, you can squirt Round-Up on your cereal and still be fine. What’s the big deal?

– Lawnmower Man

Dear Lawn Lover:

Ha Ha Ha Ha. You trust government testing? You trust the same people that said that the Corvair was safe? Silicone implants? Ever hear of Vioxx? Never mind, there’s no convincing some people. So, just try to make nice with the neighbors. Give up spraying the lawn for a week and use the convenient pump spout that the neighbors have so thoughtfully installed on the 5-gallon drum of Roundup in your fridge to flavor your cereal, ice cream, chocolate martinis and what have you. My guess is that after a week, the neighbors won’t have anything more to complain about. Problem solved!

– Sincerely, Go Green!!