Dear Diver,

Call me crazy, but I have the strong suspicion that my husband has been writing many of the Diver questions and using various pen names. First, how do I confirm or deny this? Second, how do I punish the bastard if it’s true?

– Privately yours

Dear Privately,

Well first of all, do you have finger print, hair follicle and writing samples? Maybe you could install cameras to see what he’s doing at all times. Or, you could ninja into his e-mail to see if the Telegraph is in his address book. Regardless, if he is writing, he must have a sense of humor. Just be thankful he’s writing to the Telegraph and not Penthouse Forum. Or maybe he is ... in which case, this whole Diver thing diversion worked!

– Kalee

I can only assume that the questions must not paint you in the best light. What exactly are you doing to

– Lindsey

Dear Diver,

Is gluten intolerance a legitimate ailment? Are there varying degrees of the disorder? You know like sneezes for some, trips to the emergency room for others. If it is legit, why didn’t people seem to suffer from it back in the 1970s and 1980s? Has something bad happened to the national wheat supply?

– Brad the bread lover

Dear BBL,

The answers are: no; yes; sissies; and of course not, “This is America!” It’s all about Darwinism, my friend. It’s wheating out, I mean, weeding out the weak ones. Just be glad you aren’t one of the poor saps who can’t enjoy a little crouton, beer or the all-intimidating ketchup.

– Kalee

Gluten intolerance, not to be mistaken with the more serious celiac disease, is real. And, yes, I’m sure people have suffered from the problem for years, they just finally slapped a fancy name on it. However, one interesting coincidence I have observed is that there seemed to be a sharp rise in gluten intolerance right around the time the Atkins diet came out. Hmmm, what better way to shoo away naysayers of your fad diet than using a medical ailment as your glowing beacon of “truth.”  

 I say, to find out who the true sufferers are, have a dinner party with a few ailing friends and sneak a little wheat into their meals. C’mon it won’t

– Lindsey

Dear Diver,

After years of hustling for tips, I’m thinking about applying for a job in sunny Grand Junction. Many friends have tried to steer me away from “Junkyard,” but how bad could it be? Fruita and Moab are right next door and turns at Vail, Aspen and Telluride are also pretty close. So tell me Diver, how bad could it be?

– Almost done with Durango

Dear Almost,

First of all, let me correct you: “Sunny Grand Junction” should really read “Satan’s waiting room” because that place is HOT! Do you realize that Durango gets nearly the same amount of sunny days and doesn’t require personal A/C units, spray bottles and other heat-dousing contraptions? Not to mention the fact that your friends aptly nicknamed it “Junkyard” … why would you want to live in a dump? Sure Fruita and Moab are close, but what’s there to do in those places? Some people might say that certain things are only as bad as you make them; I say Grand Junction is just as bad as it really is. And so is Pueblo. Don’t move there either.

– Kalee

Maybe you should get a different job with a paycheck. Waiting tables is no better anywhere else. Maybe you’ll make a little more money there, but the job comes with the same stresses … unless you plan on finding a Grand Junction strip club to hustle at. I guess that would be different. I hope you’re cute.

– Lindsey