Dear Diver,

I made the leap and signed up for the Iron Horse. I’m stoked for the ride, but let’s just say I’d rather not “over-train” for the big day. What are some secrets to making it to Silverton without having to amend my diet or attend spin class? I’m especially interested in pain-avoidance strategies.

– Spun out in Durango

Dear Spun out,

Stop with all the lazy mojo and get yourself off the couch, put the Ho-Ho’s away, and start movin’. Do you really want to make a complete fool of yourself in front of your Spandex sporting cronies and hundreds of spectators by having the bus pick your sorry ass up halfway up the mountain? We didn’t think so. If engaging in workout warrior mode is just too dang daunting, then we suggest you retrofit your cobwebbed road bike with a kickin’ motor and fake it till you make it with a little engine that could since obviously you can’t. Or, lazy one, sit for hours in deep meditation and envision your desire to cross the finish line in a blaze of glory with a flock of angels guiding your way to victory. We wish you the best of luck. Remember…the world is your mosh pit. Go get em’ tiger!

– Divers

Dear Diver,

My waitressing career isn’t really going according to plan. After six years under the serving tray, I’m ready for a more professional vocation. What do you suggest?

– Donna, via e-mail

P.S. I’d rather not move to Albuquerque or Denver.

Get creative, love. Look around at the needs in Durango and create your own niche. For instance, you could be a bartending financial planner. You can serve drinks while doling out stock tips and portfolio diversification strategies. The longer the sucker lush sits in front of you, the more you make via “management fees” for your valuable advice. Sound awesome? We thought so. There’s always attending Harvard on the hill. Fort Leisure, regardless of the belittling titles it accrues, does offer some wonderful opportunities to change your life in positive directions. Find your passion and make it happen. If these options don’t work for you, there’s always the pole…go Eden!

– Divers

Dear Diver,

My dear old mum-in-law is about to return for a three-week stay (you heard me right – three weeks). I’m usually pretty patient, handle the ribbing with style and successfully avoid engaging in any political discussions. However, I might just break down on Day 20. Any recommendations for surviving the stay and remaining happily married?

– Dodging the dog house

Dear Doggy Bound,

The answer is clear when it comes to dealing with aging relatives, especially those of the rare “in-law” breed. Right when she walks in the door, give her a true honest-to-goodness hug while whispering in her ear that you are “a major player in choosing her old folks home that she will be forced into a few short years from now and she better watch her P’s & Q’s or you will be voting for the discounted Siberian Senior Center and Work Camp location.” Her attitude will change so fast that you will love every minute of her stay while she caters to your every need. May we also suggest a good dose of Maker’s Mark and a bottle of Xanax. Amen for sedation! Just watch out for the drool…it’s a dead giveaway.  

– Divers