Diver: Andrew from the Dalton Ranch and Golf Course

Interesting facts: Andrew has been going to the gym, so he is probably much better looking than you remember.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

True or false? I recently heard that carrying a sheet of fabric softener in your pocket is the best way to keep mosquitoes at bay. Sounds a little fishy to me. Can you confirm, deny or offer me another way to fend off the blood suckers?

– Itchy and Scratchy in Hermosa

Dear (bite and bite and bite) Itchy and Scratchy Show,

This is absolutely true. However, anyone who knows me would probably try and tell you that I am likely leading you down the primrose path here just to see someone walking around with laundry accoutrements on their person. This is not so! In my younger and more altruistic days I was on a trip to Lynchburg, VA, where we were working for Habitat for Humanity. While we were there, the fine people running the show turned our whole group onto this practice. From what they tell us, and this is in no means a plug of any sort, it only works with the “Bounce” brand. I don’t know why that is, but what I can tell you is that I generally keep a sheet under my hat to keep the bugs off my face and neck, but I still got bitten elsewhere, so maybe buy in bulk.

– Your fresh and clean Diver

Dear Diver,

Recently, against my better judgment, I heeded the advice of an ad in this paper that suggested putting your to-go burrito in your bike’s water bottle cage. Much to my chagrin, not 10 blocks after picking up my Thai Tofu Wrap (from another local establishment) it fell to a rather dramatic and explosive death on E. Second Ave. From whom should I seek restitution for this tofu tragedy?

– Still hungry

Hungry Bear,

First and foremost, I think it is a little bothersome that your first reaction is to seek restitution for what, in the long run, is a little accident. I understand that these are litigious times, but you don’t need to pile on. Sometimes you just have to accept your fate, or your delicious treat’s fate, and get on with it. Secondly, and possibly most importantly, it seems that your mishap was caused by your own inability to follow directions. By your own admission the ad suggested that you place a burrito (a Southwest-beef-beans-cheese-staple) in your water bottle cage. Replacing it with a Southeast Asian-hippie-concoction seems to be where your whole plan went off the rails. They’re slippery little devils. For future reference, here is a short list of other things you should not carry in your bike’s water bottle cage: macaroni and cheese, fish and chips, foot-long hoagies, and soup (w/o can). Better luck with your next cyclo-gastro outing.

– The Diver.

Dear Diver,

You know what they say about Durango – the odds are good but the goods are odd. Where’s the best place for an attractive, intelligent, single girl to shop for decent, regular kinds of dudes?

– Deeply anonymous in Durango

Dear Donna Deeply,

I DO know what they say about Durango. I was hanging out with “them” just the other day. However, I will give you my advice with the following caveat: the saying pretty much applies universally. Meeting “the one” wouldn’t be as special if you could just pick somebody and have a go at it, which is generally not a good idea (especially for those of us wishing to avoid certain unfavorable social monikers).

Knowing absolutely nothing about you, here are some standard suggestions: Scour the coffee shops for guys you find attractive who are reading a book you already like. How does the quote go, “Kissable and quiet/ literate and stylish/ that’s what girls’ dreams are made of?” If that doesn’t work, camp out at the market. Everyone has to eat, right? Finally, the most important thing to do is be outgoing. Put yourself out there and just strike up conversations. The worst thing that can happen is that it goes nowhere. Well, the WORST thing that could happen is that you end up in a decades-long loveless relationship with someone who chews with their mouth open, ignores your needs and loves watching “Cops,” but you’ve got to give it a shot. Just don’t talk to me. Strangers tend to oog me out when they talk to me for no reason. Above all, the best thing you can do is be genuine. Be yourself, let the gents you approach be themselves and wait for something to click.

– The Love Doctor

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows