Dear Diver,

I’ll be blunt. I need a get-rich-quick scheme if I’m going to stay in Durango. In fact, a get-lower-class scheme would even be acceptable. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated (please hurry … hungry).

– Broke Ben, via e-mail

Dear B.B.,

Your problem is that you want any class at all. To live here contentedly and successfully – as long as you don’t define “success” in terms of money, notoriety, position or prestige – you’ve got to have, want, seek and exude no class. If you’re out here to get rich, you took a wrong turn in Arvada. Hungry? Broke? Living out of the back of your 1988 Subaru wagon? Sir, count your blessings! That is the point! That is why you live – albeit hand-to-mouth – in Durango! To think otherwise you may as well piss away your time scribbling weepy letters to self-help columns in newspapers. Move to Boulder if you want to eat. Here, we’ve got better things to do. 

– Diver

Dear Diver,

For some reason my girlfriend has been wearing high heels and platforms exclusively of late. The weird thing is a 4-inch platform actually bumps her over me in terms in height. Is she trying to tell me something? Let’s just say that it feels awkward in a “hold me” kind of way.

– Seeking Security in Durango

Dear Desperately Seeking,

Who cares? Listen, son: Men are selective listeners, and have been for millenia, since that first woman asked, “Did you hear what I just said?” Is she sending you a message? Probably. But that’s not the question. The right question is: What is it you want to hear? That your hot girlfriend suddenly has become aware of your elevationally challenged runt-of-the-litter dweebishness, so she’s now trolling the deep waters of Durango’s bar scene decked in a glossy new urban assault suit, fishing for someone whose eyes she can stare into without getting a crick in her neck? Or do you want to hear that your girlfriend has just gotten in touch with her inner Mae West? Remember what Mae had to say about it: “It’s not the man in your life that counts, it’s the life in your man.” Be a man about it: Answer the question you choose to hear.  

– Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with everyone bashing the new health food store? As far as I can tell, the place is rock solid, cheaper than City Market and actually cares about the community. Plus, it’s a micro-chain with only a few stores in Colorado. Whatever happened to a little friendly competition being better for Durango in the long run?

– Beth in Bayfield

Dear Elizabeth,

Gawd I love a hippie pissing contest: My health food store chain is smaller than yours! Yeah, Durango has competition. But it’s in Cortez. Have you seen their freakin’ City Market? It makes ours look like the City Market in Mogadishu. Now what’s up with that??

– Diver