Diver: Ian, also known as Padre Picante, and Tim the Freshwater Pirate, both of Hassle Free Sports

Interesting facts: Ian spent most of his young adult life in the Mexican wrestling circuit. After his wide success south of the border, Ian decided to attend college at Fort Lewis. Many of you may have spotted Tim the fresh water pirate while out for a refreshing water cruise. He has been known to hijack boats and frosty beverages from unsuspecting individuals. In their spare time, these brothers enjoy hunting. They specialize in trapping and taming cougars.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

What happened to the wine cooler? Back in the day, when I was developing a “taste” for alcohol, they were everywhere. Bartles, James and the legendary California Cooler all had a huge amount of market share. But I haven’t seen a single bottle since the days of Scritti Politti. What happened to the one-time, American powerhouse?

- Thirsty, Durango

Dear Thirsty,

Back in the day, middle-schoolers had very limited options as far as what to drink and ended up with wine coolers. Kids in this day and age have upgraded to bigger and better, such as flavored vodka.

– Divers

Dear Diver,

I’m fairly new to town and a little confused. What do I call myself? Is it Durangatang, Durangoan or Durangoite? I’ve even heard Durangoon, but am pretty sure it wasn’t meant to be flattering. What name do we Animas Valley dwellers go by?

– Identity Thief

Dear I.T.,

If you just moved to town, you are an out-of-towner. If you belong to the chimp species, you’re a Durang-a-tang. Individuals from outer space are durango-ites (meteorites), and born and raised locals are Durangoans. As far as Animas valley dwellers go, they are Hermo-sites.

– Divers

Dear Diver,

You just think you’re sooooo ****ing smart, don’t you?

– Love, The Eat Me Beat Me Lady

Dear Lady,

Sounds like a good time... where and when?!

– Divers

In this week's issue...

July 21, 2022
Wildlife success or deal with the devil?

Land swap approved in Southwest Colorado, but not without detractors

July 21, 2022
Tapping out

The latest strategy to save the San Luis Valley's shrinking aquifer: paying farmers not to farm

July 14, 2022
Hey, good environmental news

Despite SCOTUS ruling, San Juan Generating Station plans to shut down